IJ 

/ _ 

DUKE 

UNIVERSITY 


LIBRARY 


My  Life  as  a 
Dissociated  Personality 

By  B.  C.  A. 


With  an  Introduction  by 

MORTON  PRINCE,  M.D. 


BOSTON 

RICHARD  G.  BADGER 

® fje  45orf)am  Press 

I9°9 


Copyright,  1909,  by  Morton  Prince,  M.D. 


All  Rights  Reserved 


“My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality”  originally 
appeared  in  The  Journal  of  Abnormal  Psychology 


The  Gorham  Press,  Boston,  U.  S.  A. 


MY  LIFE  AS  A  DISSOCIATED  PERSONALITY 


BY  B.  C.  A. 

PART  I 

[An  account  of  the  various  phases  of  dissociated  personality,  written  by 
the  patient,  after  recovery  and  restoration  of  memory  for  all  the  different 
phases,  cannot  fail  to  be  of  interest.  If  the  writer  is  endowed  with  the 
capacity  for  accurate  introspection  and  statement,  such  an  account  ought 
to  give  an  insight  into  the  condition  of  the  mind  during  these  dissociated 
states  that  is  difficult  to  obtain  from  objective  observation,  or,  if  elicited 
from  a  clinical  narration  of  the  patient,  to  accurately  transcribe.  In  that 
remarkable  book,  “A  Mind  that  Found  Itself,”  the  author,  writing  after 
recovery  from  insanity,  has  given  us  an  unique  insight  into  the  insane  mind. 
Similarly  the  writer  of  the  following  account  allows  us  to  see  the  beginnings 
of  the  differentiation  of  her  mind  into  complexes,  the  final  development 
of  a  dissociated  or  multiple  personality,  and  to  understand  the  moods, 
points  of  view,  motives,  and  dominating  ideas  which  characterized  each  phase. 
Such  an  account  could  only  be  given  by  a  person  who  has  had  the  experience, 
and  who  has  the  introspective  and  literary  capacity  to  describe  them. 

The  writer  in  publishing,  though  with  some  reluctance  and  at  my  re¬ 
quest,  her  experiences  as  a  multiple  personality,  is  actuated  only,  as  I  can 
vouch,  by  a  desire  to  contribute  to  our  knowledge  of  such  conditions.  The 
experiences  of  her  illness  —  now  happily  recovered  from  —  have  led  her  to 
take  an  active  interest  in  abnormal  psychology  and  to  inform  herself,  so  far 
as  is  possible  by  the  study  of  the  literature,  on  many  of the  problems  involved. 
The  training  thus  acquired  has  plainly  added  to  the  accuracy  and  value  of 
her  introspective  observations. 

A  brief  preliminary  statement  will  be  necessary  in  order  that  the  account, 
as  told  by  the  patient,  may  be  fully  intelligible. 

The  subject  has  been  under  the  observation  of  the  editor  for  about  two 
years.  When  first  seen  the  case  presented  the  ordinary  picture  of  so-called 
neurasthenia,  characterized  by  persistent  fatigue  and  the  usual  somatic 
symptoms,  and  by  moral  doubts  and  scruples.  This  phase  was  later  termed 
and  is  described  in  the  following  account  as  state  or  complex  A.  Later 
another  state,  spoken  of  as  complex  B,  suddenly  developed.  Complex  A 
had  no  memory  for  complex  B,  but  the  latter  not  only  had  full  knowledge 
of  A,  but  persisted  co-consciously  when  A  was  present.  B  was  therefore 
both  an  alternating  and  a  co-conscious  state.  Besides  differences  in  memory, 
A  and  B  manifested  distinct  and  markedly  different  characteristics,  which 
included  moods,  tastes,  points  of  view,  habits  of  thought,  and  controlling 
ideas.  In  place,  for  instance,  of  the  depression,  fatigue,  and  moral  doubts 
and  scruples  of  A,  B  manifested  rather  a  condition  of  exaltation,  and  complete 
freedom  from  neurasthenia  and  its  accompanying  obsessional  ideas.  With 
the  appearance  of  B  it  was  recognized  that  both  states  were  phases  of  a  disso¬ 
ciated  personality,  and  neither  represented  the  normal  complete  personality. 
After  prolonged  study,  this  latter  normal  state  was  obtained  in  hypnosis, 

3 


4 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


and,  on  being  waked  up,  a  personality  was  found  which  possessed  the  com¬ 
bined  memories  of  A  and  B  and  was  free  from  the  pathological  stigmata 
which  respectively  characterized  each.  This  normal  person  is  spoken  of  as 
C.  The  normal  C  had,  therefore,  split  into  two  systems  of  complexes  or 
personalities,  A  and  B.  This  relationship  may  be  diagrammatically  ex¬ 
pressed  as  follows: 

c 


A  B 

This  account  wdl  be  followed  in  the  next  number  by  one  written  by  the 
dissociated  personality  B,  describing  the  point  of  view  of  the  patient  in  this 
state  and  also  her  subconscious  (co-conscious)  life  (which  she  claims  to 
remember)  in  its  various  relations  and  functionings.  The  analysis,  how¬ 
ever  it  be  interpreted,  cannot  fail  to  be  a  remarkable  contribution  to  the 
subconscious. —  The  Editor.] 

My  dear  Dr.  Prince, 

You  have  asked  me  to  give  you  an  account  of  my  illness  as 
it  seems  to  me  now  that  I  am  myself  and  well;  describing 
myself  in  those  changes  of  personality  which  we  have  called 
“A”  and  “B.” 

It  is  always  difficult  for  one  to  analyze  one’s  self  accurately 
and  the  conditions  have  been  very  complex.  I  think, 
however,  that  I  have  a  clear  conception  and  appreciation  of 
my  case.  I  remember  myself  perfectly  as  “  A  ”  and  as 
“  B.”  I  remember  my  thoughts,  my  feelings,  and  my  points 
of  view  in  each  personality  and  can  see  where  they  are  the 
same,  and  where  they  depart  from  my  normal  self.  These 
points  of  view  will  appear  as  we  go  on  and  I  feel  sure  that 
my  memory  can  be  trusted.  I  recall  clearly  how  in  each 
state  I  regarded  the  other  state  and  how  in  each  I  regarded 
myself. 

As  I  have  said,  I  have  now,  as  “  C,”  all  the  memories  of 
both  states  (though  none  of  the  co-conscious  life  which,  as 
B,  I  claimed  and  believed  I  had).  These  memories  are 
clearly  differentiated  in  my  mind.  It  would  be  impossible 
to  confuse  the  two  as  the  moods  which  governed  each  were 
so  absolutely  different,  but  it  is  quite  another  thing  to  make 
them  distinct  on  paper.  I  have,  however,  been  so  constantly 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


5 


under  your  observation  that  you  can,  no  doubt,  correct  any 
statement  I  may  make  which  is  not  borne  out  by  your  own 
knowledge. 

I  am,  perhaps,  of  a  somewhat  emotional  nature  and  have 
never  been  very  strong  physically,  though  nothing  of  an 
invalid,  and  have  always  been  self-controlled  and  not  at  all 
hysterical,  as  I  would  use  the  word.  On  the  contrary,  I  was, 
I  am  sure,  considered  a  very  sensible  woman  by  those  who 
know  me  well,  though  I  am  not  so  sure  what  they  may  think 
of  me  now.  I  am,  however,  very  sensitive  and  responsive 
to  impressions  in  the  sense  that  I  am  easily  affected  by  my 
environment.  For  instance,  at  the  theatre  I  lose  myself  in 
the  play  and  feel  keenly  all  the  emotions  portrayed  by  the 
actors.  These  emotions  are  reflected  vividly  in  my  face  and 
manner  sometimes  to  the  amusement  of  those  with  me  and,  if 
the  scene  is  a  painful  one,  it  often  takes  me  a  long  time  to 
recover  from  the  effect  of  it.  The  same  is  true  of  scenes 
from  actual  life. 

Before  this  disintegration  took  place  I  had  borne  great 
responsibility  and  great  sorrow  with  what  I  think  I  am  justi¬ 
fied  in  calling  fortitude  and  I  do  not  think  the  facts  of  my 
previous  life  would  warrant  the  assumption  that  I  was, 
naturally,  nervously  unstable.  It  does  not  carry  great 
weight,  I  know,  for  one  to  say  of  one’s  self, —  I  am  sensible, 
I  am  stable,  I  am  not  hysterical, —  but  I  believe  the  state¬ 
ment  can  be>corroborated  by  the  testimony  of  those  who 
have  known  me  through  my  years  of  trial.  The  point  I  wish 
to  make  is  that  my  case  shows  that  such  an  illness  as  I  have 
had  is  possible  to  a  constitutionally  stable  person  and  is  not 
confined  to  those  of  an  hysterical  tendency. 

A  year  previous  to  this  division  of  personality  a  long 
nervous  strain,  covering  a  period  of  four  years,  had  cul¬ 
minated  in  the  death  of  one  very  dear  to  me.  I  was  at  that 
time  in  good  physical  health,  though  nervously  worn,  but  this 
death  occurred  in  such  a  way  as  to  cause  me  a  great  shock 
and  within  the  six  days  following  I  lost  twenty  pounds  in 
weight.  For  nearly  three  months  I  went  almost  entirely 
without  food,  seemingly  not  eating  enough  to  sustain  life,  and 
I  did  not  average  more  than  three  or  four  hours’  sleep  out  of 
the  twenty-four,  but  I  felt  neither  hungry  nor  faint,  and  was 


6 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


extremely  busy  and  active,  being  absorbed  both  by  home 
responsibilities  and  business  affairs.  The  end  of  the  year, 
however,  found  me  in  very  poor  health  physically  and  I  was 
nervously  and  mentally  exhausted.  I  was  depressed,  sad, 
felt  that  I  had  lost  all  that  made  life  worth  living  and,  indeed, 
I  wished  to  die.  I  was  very  nervous,  unable  to  eat  or  sleep, 
easily  fatigued,  suffered  constantly  from  headache,  to  which 
I  had  always  been  subject,  and  was  not  able  to  take  much 
exercise.  The  physician  under  whose  care  I  was  at  this 
time  told  me,  when  I  asked  him  to  give  my  condition  a  name, 
that  I  was  suffering  from  “nervous  and  cerebral  exhaustion.” 

It  was  at  this  time  that  the  shock  which  caused  the  division 
of  personality  occurred.  Before  describing  it  I  should 
mention  a  few  of  my  most  pronounced  minor  traits  which, 
though  of  no  importance  in  themselves,  will  enable,  through 
the  change  that  took  place  in  them,  the  marked  alteration  of 
character  after  the  shock  to  be  recognized.  Among  these 
characteristics  were  a  great  dislike  of  riding  on  electric  cars, 
an  almost  abnormal  nervousness  about  bugs  and  mosqui¬ 
toes  —  I  always  disliked  going  into  the  woods  for  this  reason — - 
an  aversion  to  exercise  in  summer,  and  a  fear  of  canoeing.  I 
had  never  enjoyed  sitting  out  from  under  cover  or  on  the 
ground  as  the  glare  of  the  sun  was  apt  to  cause  headache 
and  I  abhorred  all  crawling  things.*  I  was  reserved  with 
strangers  and  not  given  to  making  my  friends  quickly; 
devoted  to  my  family  and  relatives,  fond  of  my  friends,  and 
not  in  the  habit  of  neglecting  them  in  any  way.  I  felt  much 
responsibility  concerning  business  matters  and  had  given 
a  good  deal  of  time  and  thought  to  them.  Many  more  pe¬ 
culiarities  might  be  mentioned.  The  change  which  took 
place  in  me  in  these  respects  will  be  presently  related.  But 
shortly  before  the  complete  change  took  place,  to  my  surprise 
there  were  times  when  I  did  some  of  the  things  above  referred 
to,  such  as  sitting  in  the  woods,  etc.  I  felt  a  sense  of  wonder 
that  I  should  be  doing  them  and  a  still  greater  wonder  that 
I  found  them  pleasant.  There  was  also  a  sense  at  times  of 

*1  have  put  this  in  the  past  tense  because  I  have  changed  in  some  of  these 
characteristics.  I  enjoy  an  out-of-door  life  more  than  I  used  to;  am  fond 
of  the  woods  and  the  water  in  spite  of  the  insects  and  the  fact  that  I  am 
afraid  of  a  canoe. 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


7 


impatience  and  irritation  at  being  troubled  with  business 
matters  or  responsibility  of  any  kind  and  an  inclination  to 
throw  aside  all  care.  I  wondered  at  myself  for  feeling  as  I 
did  and  rather  protested  to  myself  at  many  of  my  acts  but 
still  kept  right  on  doing  them.  It  seems  to  me  that  these 
ideas  and  feelings  formed  a  complex  by  which  I  was  more  or 
less  governed  and  that  this  complex  gradually  grew  in 
strength  andean  be  identified  with  that  of  the  personality  (B) 
which  first  developed.* 

The  shock  I  received  was  of  an  intensely  emotional  nature. 
It  brought  to  me,  suddenly,  the  realization  that  my  position 
in  life  was  entirely  changed,  that  I  was  quite  alone,  and  with 
this  there  came  a  feeling  of  helplessness  and  desolation  be¬ 
yond  my  powers  of  description.  I  felt,  too,  angry,  frightened, 
insulted.  For  a  few  minutes  these  ideas  flashed  through  my 
mind  and  then  —  all  was  changed.  All  the  distressing  ideas 
of  the  preceding  moments  left  me,  and  I  no  longer  minded 
what,  a  moment  before,  had  caused  me  so  much  distress.  I 
became  the  personality  which  we  have  since  called  “  B.” 
I  do  not  feel  now  that  the  episode  was  of  a  character  that 
would  have  affected  a  person  of  a  different  nature,  or  even 
myself  had  I  been  in  good  health.  Psychologically  speaking, 
I  suppose  I  was  already  in  a  somewhat  disintegrated  condi¬ 
tion  and,  therefore,  more  susceptible.  At  any  rate  it  did 
affect  me.  From  the  moment  of  that  shock  I  was,  literally, 
a  different  person.  The  episode  itself  became  of  little  or  no 
importance  to  me  and  I  looked  upon  it  rather  as  a  lark  and 
really  enjoyed  it,  as  I  did,  in  this  character,  succeeding  events. 
With  the  change  to  “B’’  there  was  no  loss  of  memory  as  some¬ 
times  occurs  under  such  conditions.  It  seems  very  curious 
to  me  that  the  effect  of  this  shock  was  to  change  me  not  to  the 
despondent,  despairing  mood  of  “A  ”  which  came  later,  but 
to  the  happy  mood  of  “  B.” 

In  describing  the  two  personalities  I  shall  sometimes  have 
to  refer  to  them  by  the  letters  A  and  B  to  avoid  the  constant 
repetition  of  “myself  as  A  —  myself  as  B.” 

As  B,  I  was,  apparently,  a  perfectly  normal  person,  as  will 
be  seen  from  the  description  which  follows,  except  that  I  was 

*The  gradual  growth  of  the  B  complex  is  well  described  in  the  account 
written  by  B  to  be  published  in  the  next  issue  of  the  Journal. 


8 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


ruled  by  a  fixed  idea  that  upon  me,  and  me  alone,  depended 
the  salvation,  moral  and  physical,  of  a  person  who  was  almost 
a  perfect  stranger  to  me.  I  had  known  this  person  but  a  few 
weeks.  This  idea  became  an  obsession;  all  else  sank  into 
insignificance  beside  it;  nothing  else  was  of  any  consequence 
and  I  went  to  all  lengths  to  help  this  person,  doing  things 
which,  though  quite  right  and  proper,  indeed  imperative, 
from  my  point  of  view  as  B,  were  unwise  and  unnecessary. 
I  believed  that  I  was  the  only  one  in  the  world  who  would 
stand  by  him;  that  every  one  else  had  given  him  up  as  hope¬ 
less  and  that  his  one  chance  lay  in  his  belief  in  me. 

With  the  change  of  personality,  which  will  be  clearer  as  you 
read,  there  was  also  a  complete  change  of  physical  condi¬ 
tions.  Previously  neurasthenic,  I,  as  B,  was  perfectly  well 
and  strong  and  felt  equal  to  anything  in  the  way  of  physical 
exercise.  The  minor  traits  I  have  above  mentioned  were  re¬ 
placed  by  their  opposites.  A  walk  of  three  or  four  miles  did 
not  tire  me  at  all;  I  tramped  through  the  woods  during  the 
hottest  days  of  summer,  with  nothing  on  my  head,  feeling  no 
discomfort  from  the  heat  and  no  fatigue;  I  sat  on  the  ground 
in  the  woods,  hours  at  a  time,  not  minding  in  the  least  the 
bugs  and  the  mosquitoes;  canoeing  I  was  very  fond  of  and 
felt  no  fear  of  the  water.  I  also  took  long  rides  on  the 
electric  cars  and  found  them  perfectly  delightful.  These 
are  small  things  but,  as  you  see,  it  was  a  radical  change  and 
seems  as  strange  to  remember  as  the  more  important  ones. 
As  B,  I  was  light-hearted  and  happy  and  life  seemed  good 
to  me;  I  wanted  to  live;  my  pulses  beat  fuller,  my  blood 
ran  warmer  through  my  veins  than  it  ever  had  done  before. 
I  seemed  more  alive.  Nothing  is  stranger  to  remember  than 
the  vigorous  health  of  B.  Never  in  my  life  was  I  so  well, 
before  or  since.  I  felt  much  younger  and  looked  so,  for 
the  lines  of  care,  anxiety,  sorrow,  and  fatigue  had  faded 
from  my  face  and  the  change  in  expression  was  remarked 
upon.  I  neglected  my  family  and  friends  shamefully, 
writing  short  and  unsatisfactory  letters  and  leaving  them  in 
ignorance  of  my  health  and  plans;  business  affairs  I  washed 
my  hands  of  entirely.  I  lost  the  formality  and  reserve 
which  was  one  of  my  traits.  My  tastes,  ideals,  and  points 
of  view  were  completely  changed. 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


9 


I  remained  in  this  state  for  some  weeks,  enjoying  life  to 
the  utmost  in  a  way  entirely  foreign  to  my  natural  tastes  and 
inclinations  as  described  above,  walking,  boating,  etc., 
living  wholly  out  of  doors;  and  also  doing  many  irresponsible 
things  which  were  of  a  nature  to  cause  me  much  distress  later. 

Some  of  this  might,  perhaps,  be  ascribed  to  improved 
health  though  different  from  anything  I  had  ever  been  be¬ 
fore. 

After  a  period  of  a  few  weeks  I  received  a  second  shock, 
which  was  caused  by  the  discovery  of  deception  in  matters 
which  my  “  obsession”  had  taken  in  charge.  The  revelation 
came  in  a  flash,  a  strong  emotion  swept  over  me,  and  the 
state  B,  with  all  its  traits,  physical  characteristics,  and  points 
of  view  disappeared,  and  I  changed  to  another  state  which 
we  have  since  called  A.  In  this  state  my  physical  condi¬ 
tion  was  much  as  it  was  before  the  first  shock,  that  is,  I  was 
neurasthenic.  From  a  state  of  vigorous  health  I  instantly 
changed  to  one  of  illness  and  languor;  could  hardly  sit  up, 
had  constant  headache,  insomnia,  loss  of  appetite,  etc.  My 
mental  characteristics  were  different.  As  before,  however, 
there  was  no  amnesia  either  for  the  state  when  I  was  B  or  for 
my  life  before  the  first  shock. 

Now,  though  as  A  I  was  filled  with  most  disproportionate 
horror  at  what  had  occurred  during  the  weeks  of  my  life  as 
B,  I  was  ruled  by  the  same  obsession,  but  with  this  difference : 
what  I,  as  B,  had  done  with  a  sense  of  pleasure,  I,  as  A,  did 
with  a  sense  of  almost  horror  at  my  own  actions,  feeling  that 
I  was  compelled  to  do  so  by  what  seemed  at  the  time  a  sense 
of  duty.  I  felt  that  I  must  carry  out  certain  obligations,  and 
I  doubt  now,  as  I  afterward  expressed  myself  to  you,  if  I 
could  have  resisted  had  I  tried.  I  would  not  refuse  the  de¬ 
mand  for  help  which  was  made  upon  me  because  I,  as  B, 
had  promised  my  aid,  but  in  complying  I  was  obliged  to  do 
things  which  seemed  to  me,  as  A,  shocking  and  unheard  of. 
I  felt  that  my  conduct  was  open  to  severe  criticism  but  I  had 
promised  and  must  fulfil  though  the  skies  fell.  It  seems  to 
me  now,  in  the  light  of  our  present  knowledge  of  B,  that  I 
was  in  a  sort  of  somnambulistic  state  governed  by  what  I 
have  learned  were  co-conscious  ideas  belonging  to  B;  that  the 
impulses  of  the  B  complex  were  too  strong  to  be  resisted; 


IO  My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 

but  in  my  memory  my  ideas  as  B  were  at  this  time  so  curi¬ 
ously  intermingled  with  my  ideas  as  A  that  it  is  useless  to 
try  to  analyze  my  mind  more  accurately.  In  mood,  point 
of  view,  ideals  I  was  A,  but  I  did  the  things  B  would  have 
done,  though  from  a  different  incentive.  For  a  few  days  I 
remained  A  and  then,  owing,  I  think,  to  a  lessening  of  nervous 
tension,  I  changed  again  to  B  and  remained  in  that  state 
for  two  or  three  weeks  during  which  time  I  was  physically 
well  and  happy  again.  At  the  end  of  this  time,  as  a  result 
of  another  realization  of  the  actual  situation,  A  reappeared 
and  was  the  only  personality  for  some  weeks.  These  changes 
were  due  to  successive  emotional  shocks. 

When  you  first  saw  me  I  was  A  at  my  worst.  I  had  no 
amnesia  for  the  events  of  the  preceding  months  when,  as  B, 
I  had  been  filled  with  the  joy  of  living.  There  was  no 
thought  on  my  part  of  any  “change  of  personality  ” —  I  had 
never  heard  of  such  a  thing  — -  but  I  was  like  one  slowly 
awakening  from  a  dream.  I  was  equally  aghast  at  what  I  (B) 
had  done  for  pleasure,  and  at  what  I  (A),  had  done  from  a 
sense  of  duty;  one  seemed  as  unbelievable  as  the  other.  One 
of  the  most  shocking  things  to  me,  as  A,  was  the  fact  that  I 
had  enjoyed  myself.  Had  I  committed  the  most  dreadful 
crimes  I  could  not  have  felt  greater  anguish,  regret,  and  re¬ 
morse.  I  was  dominated  by  the  fixed  ideas  and  obsessions 
of  B;  I  felt  that  I  must  respond  to  any  call  for  help  made  by 
this  person  even  though  it  was  against  my  inclination  and 
judgment  to  do  so;  there  seemed  no  choice  for  me  in  the 
matter  —  I  had  to;  I  could  see  no  point  of  view  but  my  own. 
To  do  what  seemed  my  plain  duty  I  was  willing  to  sacrifice 
myself  in  every  way,  but  could  not  see  that  I  (A)  was  now 
causing  as  much  anxiety  to  my  family  as  I  had  previously 
done  as  B;  that  I  was  sacrificing  them  also,  or  that  my  idea 
of  duty  was  entirely  mistaken.  A,  it  would  seem,  was  the 
emotional  and  idealistic  part  of  my  nature  magnified  a  thou¬ 
sand  times.  My  emotions  and  ideals  as  A  were  not  different 
in  kind  from  those  of  my  normal  self,  but  were  so  exaggerated 
as  to  be  morbid. 

As  A  I  was  full  of  metaphysical  doubts  and  fears,  full  of 
scruples.  I  did  not  attend  church  because  I  felt  that  I  could 
no  longer  honestly  say  the  Creed  and  the  prayers.  The 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


1 1 


service  had  lost  all  meaning  to  me  and  so  it  seemed  hypo¬ 
critical  to  take  part  in  it.  I  felt  that  I  had  utterly  failed  in 
the  performance  of  every  duty,  and  tortured  myself  with  the 
remembrance  of  every  act  of  omission  and  commission.  I 
accused  myself  of  selfishness,  neglect,  in  fact,  of  nearly  all 
the  crimes  in  the  calendar  including,  in  an  indirect  way,  that 
of  murder.  My  conversation  was  always  of  the  most  serious 
character,  —  religion  (I  believed  in  nothing),  life  after  death 
(of  which  I  found  no  hope),  and  I  dwelt  much  upon  the  fact 
that  no  one  should  be  judged  by  their  deeds  alone,  that  no 
one  could  tell  what  hidden  motive  had  prompted  any  given 
act.  This  was  because  I  had  (as  B)  done  so  many  things 
which  (as  A)  I  wholly  disapproved  of  and  felt  might  be  mis¬ 
understood.  I  did  not  understand  them  myself  but  knew 
that  my  motive  had  been  good.  I  was  frightened,  bewildered, 
shocked,  agonized  —  concentrated  anguish  and  remorse. 
During  these  weeks  I  suffered  more  than  any  one  ought  ever 
to  suffer  for  anything,  and  always,  over  and  over  in  my  mind 
went  the  same  old  thoughts, —  “  JVhy  did  I  do  as  I  did  ? 
How  could  I  have  done  it  ?  Why  did  it  seem  right  ?  What 
would  my  friends  think  if  they  knew  ?  I  was  mad!  I  was 
not  myself.”  Finally  I  decided  to  end  it  all  —  I  could  not 
live  under  such  a  weight  of  humiliation  and  self-reproach.  I 
am  sure,  Dr.  Prince,  that  you  must  remember  how  impossible 
it  was  to  reason  with  me  as  A,  for  it  was  at  this  time  and  in 
this  state  that  I  was  sent  to  you. 

Shortly  after  I  came  to  you  I  began  to  alternate  frequently 
and  it  is  well  to  emphasize  that  one  marked  change  in  the 
state  of  A  developed.  In  this  state  I  now  had  complete 
amnesia  for  my  whole  life  as  B;  for  everything  I  thought 
and  did.*  In  other  respects,  however,  these  states  were 
identical  with  what  they  had  been.  The  presence  of  amnesia 


*This  came  about  in  the  following  way:  One  day  while  A  was  in  hypnosis 
she  suddenly  and  spontaneously  changed  to  a  different  hypnotic  state  char¬ 
acterized  by  change  of  facial  expression,  manner,  speech,  etc.  It  was  after¬ 
wards  recognized  that  this  was  the  B  complex  in  hypnosis.  I  had  not  before 
seen  or  heard  of  the  B  complex  as  such.  I  had  only  known  that  the  subject 
from  her  own  account  had  been  in  a  neurasthenic  condition  and  had  been 
through  periods  of  improvement  and  relapses.  I  did  not  suspect  that  these 
phases  of  improvement  and  relapses  represented  phases  of  personality )such 


12 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


made  no  difference  in  the  fact  of  change  of  personality.  As 
I  see  it  I  was  just  as  much  an  altered  personality  before  the 
amnesia  developed  as  afterward.  As  B,  I  had  no  amnesia. 
I  claimed  not  only  as  an  alternating  personality  to  remember 
A,  but  to  be  always  co-conscious  with  A  and  to  remember  my 
co-conscious  thoughts.  As  a  co-consciousness,  of  course,  I 
(B)  would  know  A.  As  stated  above  I  have  now  no  remem¬ 
brance  of  that  co-conscious  life  and  cannot  speak  of  it  from 
my  own  knowledge.  Why  my  memory  of  B  should  not  in¬ 
clude  that  of  her  (my)  co-conscious  life,  I  must  leave  to  you  to 
explain. 

The  amnesia  made  life  very  difficult;  indeed,  except  for 
the  help  you  gave  me  I  think  it  would  have  been  impossible 
and  that  I  should  have  gone  truly  mad.  How  can  I  describe 
or  give  any  clear  idea  of  what  it  is  to  wake  suddenly,  as  it 
were,  and  not  to  know  the  day  of  the  week,  the  time  of  the 
day,  or  why  one  is  in  any  given  position  ?  I  would  come  to 
myself  as  A,  perhaps  on  the  street,  with  no  idea  of  where  I 
had  been  or  where  I  was  going;  fortunate  if  I  found  myself 
alone,  for  if  I  was  carrying  on  a  conversation  I  knew  nothing 
of  what  it  had  been ;  fortunate  indeed,  in  that  case,  if  I  did  not 
contradict  something  I  had  said  for,  as  B,  my  attitude  toward 
all  things  was  quite  the  opposite  of  that  taken  by  A.  Often 
it  happened  that  I  came  to  myself  at  some  social  gathering  — 
a  dinner,  perhaps  —  to  find  I  had  been  taking  wine  (a  thing 
I,  as  A,  felt  bound  not  to  do)*  and  what  was  to  me  most 
shocking  and  horrifying,  smoking  a  cigarette;  never  in  my 
life  had  I  done  such  a  thing  and  my  humiliation  was 
deep  and  keen. 

as  was  soon  discovered  to  be  the  case.  A  few  days  after  the  B  complex  had 
appeared  in  hypnosis  this  phase  spontaneously  waked  and  alternated,  as  it 
had  previously  done,  with  the  A  complex.  But  now,  as  the  writer  says, 
there  was  amnesia  on  the  part  of  A  for  B.  The  explanation  for  this  is  un¬ 
doubtedly  to  be  found  in  the  fact  that  a  new  synthesis  and  more  complete 
dissociation  of  the  B  complex  had  taken  place  through  the  experience  of  hyp¬ 
nosis.  Analogous  phenomena  I  have  observed  in  making  experimental  obser¬ 
vations  but  it  would  take  us  too  far  away  to  enter  into  this  question  here. (Ed.) 

*  During  the  first  weeks  of  my  existence  as  B  I  had  pledged  myself 
to  drink  no  wine.  The  promise  was  made  under  such  conditions  that  no 
reasonable  person  could  have  felt  bound  by  it.  As  B  I  realized  this  and  felt 
no  obligation  to  keep  it  but  as  A,  I  could  not  feel  so,  though  you  had  assured 
me  over  and  over  again  that  I  was  not  in  honor  bound. 


i3 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 

I  would  often  wake  in  the  morning,  as  A,  to  find  a  note  on 
my  pillow  or  on  the  table  —  usually  of  a  jeering  tone  — 
telling  me  to  “cheer  up,”  to  “  weep  no  more,”  etc.;  some¬ 
times  these  notes  would  be  in  rhyme  and  nearly  all  advised 
me  not  to  trouble  Dr.  Prince  so  much.*  These  notes  were 
written  by  B  when  I  “  changed  ”  in  the  night,  but,  as  A,  I 
supposed,  when  I  first  found  them,  that  I  had  written  them 
in  my  sleep.  If  my  condition  had  been  one  of  remorse  it  was 
now  one  of  despair.  After  a  time,  as  A,  I  destroyed  all  the 
notes  I  found  without  reading  them,  hoping  in  this  way  to 
discourage  B’s  fondness  for  writing.  As  a  result  I  found 
one  morning  a  sheet  of  paper  pasted  directly  in  the  middle 
of  my  mirror.  It  was  fastened  at  each  corner  with  large  red 
seals  and  bore  the  inscription  “  READ  THIS  ”  and  con¬ 
tained  information  which  it  was  quite  necessary  A  should 
have.  As  B  my  attitude  toward  myself  as  A  was  something 
like  that  of  a  gay,  irresponsible,  pleasure-loving  girl  toward 
an  older,  more  serious-minded  sister.  I,  as  B,  had  no  pa¬ 
tience  with  A’s  scruples  and  morbid  ideas  and  actually  en¬ 
joyed  doing  things  which  I  knew  would  shock  or  annoy  my¬ 
self  as  A,  though  occasionally  as  B,  I  felt  a  little  sorry  for  A. 
It  must  be  remembered  that  while  I,  as  A,  recognized  no 
division  of  personality  and  considered  B’s  acts  (of  which  it 
must  be  kept  in  mind  I  had  no  memory)  as  my  own,  I,  as  B, 
did  not  look  upon  A  as  any  part  of  myself.  As  B,  I  felt  my¬ 
self  to  be  a  distinct  personality  and  insisted  upon  it  to  you 
over  and  over  again.  I  realized  that  I  was  not  normal  but 
thought  that  A  was  not  normal  either.  I  believed  that  my 
own  views  were  more  correct  than  A’s  and  were  entitled  to 
as  much  consideration  and  could  never  understand  why 
you  should  prefer  to  keep  A  in  existence  rather  than  B.  I 
felt  that  with  the  restoration  of  the  normal  self  I  could  not 
“come”  as  an  alternating  personality  but  I  believed  that  I 
should  always  be  co-conscious.  As  B,  I  felt  very  grateful 
to  you  for  treating  me  as  if  I  were  a  “  real  ”  person  and  allow¬ 
ing  me  to  express  my  own  personality.  With  every  one  else 
I  had  to  pretend  to  be  A,  and  my  feeling  of  gratitude  and  the 
fact  that  you  asked  for  my  co-operation  —  put  me  on  my 

*Some  notes  were  of  a  different  kind  and  you  have  told  me  that  they 
were  wiitten  in  nocturnal  somnambulism. 


H 


Afy  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 

honor  as  it  were  —  was  the  underlying  motive  in  telling  you 
so  much  of  A’s  inner  life.  I,  as  B,  thought  A  was  very  silly 
not  to  tell  you  all  the  things  which  were  troubling  her  —  as 
was  indeed  true  —  and  it  seemed  to  me  (B)  a  great  joke  on 
A  to  get  up  in  the  night  and  write  you  a  long  letter  telling  A’s 
most  secret  thoughts  and  perhaps  inclosing  something  I,  as 

A,  had  written  but  had  not  really  intended  to  send  you.  It 
is  true  that,  as  B,  I  was  perfectly  willing  to  tell  you  things 
which,  as  A,  I  would  rather  have  died  than  disclose.  Would 
this  not  seem  to  show  that  even  when  a  personality  becomes 
disintegrated  the  real  self,  the  ego,  remains  unchanged  and, 
in  a  way,  governs  the  whole,  even  if  imperfectly  ?  Even  as 

B,  feeling  sure  that  the  integration  of  the  whole  self  meant 
my  own  extinction,  I  still,  for  the  most  part,  gave  my  help 
toward  that  end. 

As  B,  I  was  very  extravagant  and  spent  money  in  a  most 
lavish  way,  buying  things  which,  as  A,  I  felt  I  could  not 
afford,  for  though  A  was  not,  like  the  famous  Mrs.  Gilpin, 
“  upon  pleasure  bent  ”  she  did  have  “  a  frugal  mind.” 
Being,  as  B,  very  fond  of  all  sorts  of  gayety,  I  constantly  made 
engagements  which,  as  A,  who  had  no  heart  for  social  pleas¬ 
ures,  I  did  not  care  to  keep;  I  constantly  encouraged  visitors 
whom,  as  A,  I  did  not  care  to  receive;  a  volume  could  be 
filled  with  the  troubles  of  this  ill-assorted  pair  of  mes,  some 
of  which  were  tragic  and  some  very  funny. 

As  A,  I  was  all  emotion  as  regards  people,  but  I  never  felt 
anger  nor  resentment.  In  this  and  other  respects  the  change 
from  what  I  was  before  the  first  shock  was  marked.  I  had 
become  absurdly  grateful  for  every  attention  shown  me 
though  I  felt  myself  separated  from  all  my  relatives  and 
friends  by  the,  as  I  considered  it,  strange  experience  I  had 
had.  It  seemed  to  me  as  if  my  heart  were  frozen  and  that  an 
invisible  barrier  was  between  me  and  every  one  else  and  that 
I  did  not  love  my  family  as  I  had  formerly  done;  it  seemed 
to  me  that  I  felt  nothing;  but  at  the  same  time  I  was  racked 
by  the  agony  of  the  thought.  Any  tale  of  sorrow,  suffering, 
or  sin  stirred  me  to  the  depths,  but  I  experienced  no  sensation 
of  pleasure  or  happiness.  The  out  door  world  was  unreal 
to  me.  I  realized  that  it  was  beautiful;  that  the  trees  were 
green  and  stately,  that  the  sky  was  blue,  the  wind  soft,  the 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


15 


water  smiling;  but  I  saw  it  only  with  my  eyes  and  to  feel 
beauty  one  must  see  it  with  the  soul  also.  I  felt  myself  no 
part  of  it, —  I  was  in  the  world  but  not  of  it. 

As  B,  I  felt  no  emotion  except  that  of  pleasure,  using  the 
word  pleasure  as  meaning  a  “  good  time,”—  social  gayety, 
driving,  motoring,  walking,  boating,  etc.,  but  my  enjoyment 
of  these  things  was  very  keen.  As  B,  I  was  always  the  gayest 
of  the  company,  but  for  people  I  cared  nothing.  The  little 
acts  of  affection  which  we  all  perform  in  daily  home  life  I 
never  thought  of.  The  habit  of  shaking  hands  with  one’s 
friends,  kissing  or  embracing  those  nearer  and  dearer  had  no 
meaning  to  me.  Ordinarily,  I  think,  when  one  shakes  hands 
with  a  friend  one  feels  the  individuality  of  the  person,  more 
or  less,  and  the  clasp  of  hands  means  something,  but  as  B 
it  meant  no  more  to  me  than  clasping  a  piece  of  wood,  and  the 
acts  of  shaking  hands,  embracing,  or  kissing  were  all  alike  — 
it  made  no  difference  to  me  which  I  did  —  one  meant  just  as 
much  as  the  other.  This  lack  of  feeling  applied  only  to 
people, for  I  loved  the  outside  world;  the  trees,  the  water,  the 
sky,  and  the  wind  seemed  to  be  a  very  part  of  myself.  The 
emotions  by  which,  as  A,  I  was  torn  to  shreds,  as  B,  I  did 
not  feel  at  all. 

My  taste  in  reading  differed  greatly  in  the  two  states.  As 
B  my  reading  consisted  largely  of  the  magazines  and  short 
stories,  though  after  becoming  interested  in  the  study  of 
psychology  I  enjoyed  reading  on  the  subject  as  much  as  A 
did.  Aside  from  that  one  subject,  however,  I  preferred  the 
lighter  reading  and,  curiously  enough,  I  liked  to  read  stories 
which  portrayed  the  very  emotions  which  I  never  felt, 
Kipling  fascinated  me.  As  A,  I  read  Victor  Hugo,  Ibsen. 
Tolstoi,  Maeterlinck,  a  great  deal  of  poetry,  the  “Rubaiyat  ” 
of  Omar  Khayam  until  I  knew  it  by  heart  and  anything  that 
touched  upon  the  deeper  problems  of  life. 

In  matters  of  dress  and  social  pleasures  A  and  B  were 
diametrically  opposed.  At  the  time  of  the  dissociation  of 
character  I  was  wearing  mourning,  but  black  was  distasteful 
to  me  as  B,  and  so  far  as  was  possible,  I  wore  white  —  not 
even  a  black  belt  or  buckle  would  I  put  on.  This  fact  was 
far  more  strange  than  it  seems,  and  caused  much  friction,  for 
B’s  manner  of  carrying  out  her  ideas  was,  under  the  circum- 


1 6  My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 

stances,  eccentric,  to  say  the  least,  and  as  A  it  offended  my 
sense  of  propriety  and  my  pride.  As  A,  I  cared  almost 
nothing  for  social  pleasures,  dress,  etc.,  though  my  tastes  in 
such  matters  did  not  materially  change,  but  life  was  much  too 
serious  and  painful  to  think  of  such  frivolities;  I  went  to  the 
theater  and  places  of  amusement  because  you  said  I  must, 
not  because  I  cared  to. 

B  usually  kept  A’s  engagements  unless  they  conflicted  too 
much  with  her  own  wishes,  and  she  kept  A  informed  as  to 
what  had  happened  or  was  to  happen,  by  notes,  unless  the 
changes  of  personality  were  too  .rapid.  The  diary,  which 
has,  at  your  suggestion,  been  kept,  was  also  of  great  service 
in  keeping  A  informed  as  to  the  course  of  events.  I  will  copy 
a  few  extracts  from  this  diary,  as  it  gives  a  very  good  idea  of 
the  different  moods  and  points  of  view. 

Under  the  date  July  23,  190 — ,  B  writes:  “  I  am  here 
again  to-night,  B,  I  am.  I  may  as  well  tell  all  I  have  done,  I 
suppose.  For  one  thing  I  had  a  facial  massage  —  there  is 
no  need  of  being  a  mass  of  wrinkles.  I  know  A  doesn’t  care 
how  she  looks,  but  I  do.  The  Q’s  spent  the  evening  here  and 

—  if  I  don’t  tell,  S  will,  I  suppose  —  I  smoked  a  cigarette. 
S  was  terribly  shocked  and  angry  with  me.  Now,  A,  don’t 
go  and  tell  Dr.  Prince,  you  don’t  have  to  tell  him  everything, 

—  you  do  it,  though.  I  must  have  a  little  fun.”  The  follow¬ 
ing  day  A  writes:  “  I  have  struggled  through  another  day. 
B  has  told  what  she  did.  How  can  I  bear  it  ?  How  explain  ? 
I  am  so  humiliated,  so  ashamed.  Why  should  I  do  things 
which  so  mortify  my  pride  ?  Quite  ill  all  day, —  I  am,  as 
usual,  paying  for  B’s  ‘  fun.’  It  is  not  to  be  borne.”  August 
20,  “  Terrible  day  —  one  of  the  worst  for  a  long  time.  I 
cannot  live  this  way,  it  is  not  to  be  expected.  I  am  so  con¬ 
fused  —  I  have  lost  so  much  time  now  that  I  can’t  seem  to 
catch  up.  What  is  the  end  to  be  ?  What  will  become  of 
me?”  August  21,  B  writes:  “Good  gracious!  how  we 
fly  around.  A  has  been  ill  all  day  —  could  not  sleep  last 
night.  I  hope  he  (Dr.  Prince)  won’t  send  for  us  for  he  will 
put  a  quietus  on  me,  and  as  things  are  now  I  am  gaining  on  A. 
Had  a  gay  evening  —  no  discussions  of  religion  or  psychology, 
no  dissecting  of  hearts  and  souls  while  I  am  in  the  flesh.” 
August  25,  “  I  wonder  if  A  is  really  dead  —  for  good  and 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality  17 

all  ?  It  seems  like  it.  The  thought  rather  frightens  me 
someway,  as  if  I  had  lost  my  balance-wheel.  She  wants  to 
die,  she  really  does,  for  she  thinks  it  to  herself  all  the  time, 
I  wish  I  were  myself  alone,  and  neither  A  nor  B;  I  cannot 
bear  to  hear  A  groan,  she  cannot  bear  my  glee.”  August 
26,  “Such  a  day!  A  got  away  from  me  for  a  little  while  and 
tried  to  write  a  letter  to  Dr.  Prince.  It  was  a  funny  looking 
letter  for  I  kept  saying  to  her  ‘  you  cannot  write,  you  cannot 
move  your  hand  ’  but  she  had  enough  will  power  to  write 
some  and  directed  it.  The  effort  used  her  up,  however,  and 
I  came  and  the  letter  was  not  mailed.”  August  27,  A 
writes:  “I  am  too  much  bewildered  to  write.  I  have  suc¬ 
ceeded  in  writing  Dr.  Prince,  if  I  can  only  mail  it.  Oh,  but 
I  am  tired!  Such  an  awful  struggle!” 

To  show  how  strangely  the  physical  condition  changed  as 
I  alternated  between  A  and  B:  September — ,  “A  was  used 
up  and  had  to  stay  in  bed  all  the  morning  but  I  came  about 
one  o’clock  and  Mrs.  X  asked  me  to  motor  down  to  Z.  Had 
a  gorgeous  ride  and  got  home  at  seven  nearly  famished,  for 
A  had  eaten  nothing  all  day  —  she  lives  on  coffee  and  somnos 
—  nice  combination  —  steak  and  French  fried,  for  mine, 
please.  Y  was  delighted  with  the  cigarette  case;  you  must 
grin  and  bear  it,  A.”  As  B,  I  had  given  a  cigarette  case  as 
a  birthday  gift  to  a  young  relative  to  whose  smoking  A  seri¬ 
ously  objected.  November — ,  “What  a  day!  Now  you  see 
it  and  now  you  don’t  —  A  ill,  B  well  —  first  one  and  then 
the  other.  I  got  ready  to  go  to  the  dentist  —  then  A  came; 
and  her  head  ached  and  she  was  too  ill  to  go.  Then  I  came 
again  and  practised  —  etc.”  I  remember  this  day  distinctly. 
As  A,  I  could  not  sit  up,  my  head  ached  so  badly.  Then  1 
would  lose  myself,  that  is,  change  to  B,  and  feel  perfectly 
welland  go  on  with  the  work  in  hand.  Changing  to  A  again, 
with  amnesia  for  the  time  I  had  been  B,  I  would  feel  very  ill 
and  have  to  lie  down.  I  think  I  changed  from  one  state  to 
the  other  at  least  half  a  dozen  times  and  A’s  day  was  one  of 
suffering  and  B’s  day  one  of  health  and  activity.  Again  B 
writes:  “I  am  really  thinking  seriously  of  going  away.  I  am 
sure  I  could  get  along  all  right  by  myself.  Dr.  Prince  says 
I  am  a  ‘  psychological  impossibility  ’  (absurd),  I  am  a  psy¬ 
chological  fact  —  more  real  than  A.  I  could  easily  go  away 


1 8  My  Li  fe  as  a  Dissociated.  Personality 

—  Dr.  P.  could  not  help  it.”  As  A,  I  was  stricken  with 
terror  by  an  entry  like  the  above  for  I  knew  that  as  B,  I 
could  carry  out  my  threat  if  I  chose.  November — /‘Well, 
once  more  I  am  permitted  to  write  in  this  old  diary. —  After 
we  got  home  C  went  to  pieces.  I  never  saw  such  a  lot!— 
and  then  poor  old  A  came,  again  anguish,  wringing  of  hands, 
finally  tears,  then,  thank  goodness!  I  came  myself.  I 
cannot  see  why  Dr.  Prince  would  rather  have  that  emotional , 
hysterical  set  than  to  have  me!  It  passes  comprehension. 
I  know  everything,  always,  and  they  only  know  a  few  things 
for  a  few  minutes.” 

This  gives  an  idea  of  A’s  point  of  view:  August,  190 — , 
“Ill  again  —  headache  all  day  —  these  memories  rack  me. 
O,  why,  why,  why  did  I  ever  feel  and  do  as  I  did  feel  and  do! 
- —  and  it  all  seemed  so  right  to  me,  so  impossible  to  do  any¬ 
thing  else.  I  cannot  understand  where  my  commonsense 
was  —  it  is  so  incredible.  I  can’t  believe  sometimes  that  it 
is  not  all  a  frightful  dream  —  if  I  could  wake  and  find  it  so! 

—  the  irony,  the  cruelty  of  it.  Time  is  an  ‘  arch  satirist  ’ 
indeed!  He  is  having  a  little  joke  with  me.  There  is  one 
way  to  end  it  —  how  long  before  I  avail  myself  of  it  ?  How 
much  must  I  suffer?”  B  feels  quite  differently:  “I  could 
have  the  loveliest  time  in  the  world  if  A  would  stay  away 
long  enough.  There  are  lots  of  things  to  do  and  I  am  going 
to  do  some  of  them  if  I  have  half  a  chance.  ‘  A  short  life  and 
a  merry  one  ’  shall  be  my  motto.” 

This  diary  was  kept  for  about  a  year  and  is  a  most  curious 
document.  Both  as  A  and  as  B  I  often  wrote  at  length  my 
own  theories  and  explanations  of  my  case.  Sometimes  when 
I  was  writing  as  A,  co-conscious  B  would  take  control  of  my 
hand  and  I  would  write,  automatically,  most  decided  objec¬ 
tions  to  the  ideas  I  had  just  expressed. 

I  hesitate  to  write  of  the  times  when  I  was  influenced  by 
co-conscious  B  for  I  have  no  memory  of  the  co-conscious 
process.  I  remember,  in  the  alternating  state  of  B,  telling 
you  that  I  could  when  co-conscious  control  A  by  willing, 
but  of  that  “  willing  ”  as  a  process  I  have  no  knowledge. 
But,  as  a  fact,  on  numerous  occasions  I  was  prevented 
from  doing  something  I  wished  to  do,  or  made,  in  some 
mysterious  way,  to  do  something  I  objected  to.  Afterwards  as 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality  1 9 

B,  I  claimed,  as  I  remember  well,  to  have  co-consciously  influ¬ 
enced  my  other  self  by  willing.  I  will  give  one  instance  of 
the  effect  on  A  of  this  co-conscious  willing.  As  A,  I  felt  it  my 
duty  to  go  often  to  the  cemetery  to  which,  as  B,  I  objected. 
In  fact,  B  said  she  would  not  go  there  nor  allow  A  to  do  so. 
A  writes  in  the  diary  as  follows:  “Another  queer  thing  hap¬ 
pened  to-day.  I  have  not  been  to  the  cemetery  for  a  long 
time  so  started  to  go  there.  I  had  gone  only  a  little  way  when 
I  began  to  feel  that  I  could  not  go  on.  I  do  not  mean  that 
I  did  not  wish  to  but  that  I  could  not  easily  move  my  feet  in 
that  direction.  It  was  as  if  some  physical  force  was  restraining 
me,  or  like  walking  against  a  heavy  wind.  I  kept  on,  however, 
and  finally  reached  the  entrance,  but  further  I  found  it  im¬ 
possible  to  go — -I  was  held  —  could  not  move  my  feet  one 
inch  in  that  direction.  I  set  my  will  and  said  to  myself,  I 
will  go,  I  can  go  and  I  will,  but  I  could  not  do  it.  I  began  to 
feel  very  tired  —  exhausted  — -  and  turned  back.  As  soon 
as  I  turned  away  I  had  no  trouble  in  walking  but  I  was  very 
tired.” 

I  do  not  think  I  can  make  the  living  of  such  a  life  at  all 
clear  to  those  who  know  nothing  of  such  conditions.  It 
would  seem  impossible  for  one  to  get  on  at  all  and  it  was  at 
once  more,  and  less,  difficult  than  could  be  imagined.  The 
social  situation  was  often  most  complicated;  the  nervous 
strain  was  intense;  the  anguish  of  mind  frightful;  but,  as  B, 
I  had  no  amnesia;  as  A,  I  stayed  very  closely  at  home,  was 
very  intuitive  and  one  grows  extraordinarily  quick  in  guess¬ 
ing;  it  works  wonders  to  look  intelligent  and  say  nothing, 
particularly  when  no  one  suspects  such  a  condition,  for  if 
one  seems  forgetful  or  absent-minded,  the  last  explanation 
to  suggest  itself  to  one’s  friends  would  be  “change  of  per¬ 
sonality.” 

It  all  seems  very  strange  to  me  now  that  I  have  become 
myself  with  all  these  memories.  I  feel  quite  differently 
about  everything.  The  memory  of  those  months  of  B’s 
existence  seems  like  the  memory  of  a  delirium.  I  feel,  in  a 
way,  no  responsibility  for  what,  as  B,  I  did.  I  remember 
those  acts  as  my  own;  I  deplore  many  of  them;  I  cannot 
understand  why  they  gave  me  pleasure  for  they  would  give 
me  none  now;  I  am  sorry  about  them  just  as  I  would  regret 


20  My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 

having,  in  the  delirium  of  fever,  done  something  which  I 
would  not  in  my  right  mind  do,  but  I  do  not  feel  so  humili¬ 
ated,  so  ashamed  of  them  as  I  did  as  A;  they  are  so  foreign 
to  anything  I  would  naturally  do  that  they  seem  to  be  their 
own  excuse.  If,  as  A,  I  could  ever  have  realized  that  B  was 
only  an  illness,  I  should  have  been  spared  untold  mental 
agony.  But,  as  A,  remembering  as  I  did  in  the  first  part  of 
my  illness  all  my  neglect  of  my  friends  and  family,  my  in¬ 
difference  to  their  anxiety  about  me,  the  pain  I  caused  them, 
and  the  many  unconventional  things  I  had  done,  I  could  not 
excuse  or  forgive  myself;  and  never,  as  long  as  the  state  A 
remained  did  I  cease  to  be  terrified  and  ashamed  by  the  state 
B.  I  thought  there  must  be  something  fundamentally 
wrong  in  my  nature;  that  if  any  one  knew  the  things  I,  as  B, 
had  done,  I  should  be  forever  disgraced.  Everything  I  did 
as  B,  I,  as  A,  disapproved  of.  The  things  that  gave  me  pleas¬ 
ure  as  B,  caused  me,  as  A,  the  bitterest  mortification.  As  A, 
I  condemned  myself  as  B,  utterly  without  mercy,  and  I 
suffered  intensely. 

I  have  said  that  I  remember  both  A  and  B  as  myself  and 
that  is  true,  but  there  is  a  certain  difference  in  my  memory  of 
B  which  I  cannot  quite  describe.  I  do  not  understand  my¬ 
self  as  B.  It  seems  like  a  delirium.  A  seems  somewhat 
like  a  delirious  state  also,  perhaps  dazed  would  be  a  better 
word,  but  I  understand  why  I  felt  as  A  did.  A  seems  ex¬ 
actly  like  myself  in  an  absurdly  morbid,  emotional,  and  un¬ 
reasonable  condition,  but  B  seems  foreign,  though  I  was 
naturally  of  a  gay  and  light-hearted  disposition. 

I  could  have  lived  my  life,  after  a  fashion,  in  either  one  of 
these  states  had  either  one  been  stable  enough  to  maintain 
itself  without  changing.  Apparently  my  mental  powers 
underwent  no  great  change,  but  now  that  I  am  myself  I  can 
see  that  in  neither  state  was  I  capable  of  forming  a  well- 
balanced  judgment.  As  A,  I  could  see  only  one  side  of  a 
subject.  I  could  not  compare,  adjust,  and  shift  my  point  of 
view  nor  look  at  anything  in  an  impersonal  way.  Perhaps 
such  a  state  would  explain  the  fanatics  and  faddists  who  hold 
so  tenaciously  to  their  illogical  ideas  and  who  go  to  such  ex¬ 
tremes  in  carrying  them  out. 

As  B,  I  should  have  been  in  trouble  all  the  time  over  money 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality  21 

matters  and  the  pleasure  of  the  moment  would  have  de¬ 
termined  my  course  of  action  regardless  of  consequences.  I 
should  probably  have  lost  all  my  friends,  also,  as  I  felt  no 
affection  for  any  one  and  was  bound  by  no  conventions.  As 
A,  I  should  have  been  in  trouble  all  the  time  over  everything 
on  account  of  scruples,  doubts,  and  fears,  etc. 

A  and  B  are  a  good  illustration  of  the  psychological  law, 
which  you  yourself  have  cited,  that  “  States  of  Pleasure  are 
concomitant  with  an  increase,  and  states  of  Pain  with  a  de¬ 
crease  of  the  vital  functions.”  If  I  may  so  express  it,  A  was 
a  state  of  pain  and  B  was  a  state  of  pleasure  and  their  phys¬ 
ical  and  psychical  conditions  corresponded.  As  A,  my  psy¬ 
chical  state  was  one  of  depression,  hopelessness  and  despair, 
and  my  physical  condition  was  one  of  neurasthenia.  As  B, 
my  psychical  state  was  of  exaltation  and  happiness  and  the 
physical  condition  was  one  of  vigor  and  ambition.  When 
these  conditions  and  relations  are  better  understood  by  all 
physicians  there  will  perhaps  be  hope  even  for  the  poor 
‘  ‘neurasthenic.” 

Should  this  article  be  read  by  any  but  those  who  have 
some  knowledge  of  such  conditions  I  am  afraid  they  will  say, 
“  she  was  crazy,”  but  I  was  not  and  never  have  been 
for  one  moment  insane,  though  as  A  I  used  to  fear  I  might 
be.  During  all  this  time  I  lived  my  life  to  all  appearances 
like  any  ordinary  person.  I  directed  the  daily  routine  of  my 
household,  took  entire  charge  of  extensive  repairs  to  my 
house,  and  managed  my  business  affairs  to  a  large  extent. 
These  things  were  done  perhaps  in  a  somewhat  erratic  manner, 
because  as  B,  I  neglected  them  if  possible,  and  this  made 
it  doubly  hard  for  me  as  A,  but  not  one  of  my  family  or  friends 
suspected  the  tiue  state  of  the  case.  I  believe  they  all  real¬ 
ized  that  I  was  in  a  serious  nervous  condition,  very  change¬ 
able  as  to  mood,  and  felt  much  anxiety  about  my  health  but 
that  was  all. 

I  have  not  spoken  of  my  recovery  in  the  restoration  of  my 
normal  self  as  “  C.”  As  to  how  this  was  accomplished  I 
know  nothing  except  what  I  have  been  told  which  is  very 
little.  Everything  was  done  through  hypnosis  and  I  have 
no  memory  of  what  occurred.  I  only  know  that  I  went  to 
you  one  day  in  a  more  than  usually  disintegrated  state;  that 


22 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


I  was  hypnotized  and  that  I  woke  up  myself  with  a  feeling 
of  strength  and  self  poise  to  which  I  had  long  been  a  stranger. 
There  were  no  blanks  in  my  memory  —  I  remembered  every¬ 
thing.  This  had  been  partially  accomplished  before  but  the 
resulting  state  had  not  been  stable  and  it  would  involve  too 
wide  a  digression  to  explain  it.  Every  improvement  in  my 
condition  has  been  made  by  the  use  of  hypnotism.  I  have 
complete  amnesia  for  my  hypnotic  states  but  the  results  ob¬ 
tained  I  can  speak  of  with  conviction.  Over  and  over  again 
I  have  gone  to  you,  as  A,  feeling  utterly  discouraged  and  hope¬ 
less;  worn  with  insomnia  and  aching  from  head  to  foot  from 
nothing  but  mental  strain;  so  fatigued  that  the  slightest  ex¬ 
ertion  was  an  effort.  I  have,  in  this  condition,  been  hypno¬ 
tized  and  when  I  woke  a  change  so  complete  had  taken  place 
as  to  be  little  short  of  miraculous.  The  depressing  emotions 
had  disappeared  and  were  replaced  by  a  feeling  of  courage 
and  ability  to  endure  the  trials  of  my  life;  the  sense  of  physi¬ 
cal  and  mental  fatigue  had  given  place  to  a  sensation  of 
lightness  and  well-being;  the  aches  and  pains  were  gone. 
I  have  then  returned  to  my  home  comparatively  happy,  had 
a  good  night’s  rest  and  borne  the  strain  of  my  peculiarly  try¬ 
ing  life  for  a  longer  or  shorter  period,  as  the  case  might  be, 
with  some  degree  of  fortitude.  This  was  the  change  which 
could  be  wrought  by  suggestion  in  hypnosis  in  the  state 
called  A,  for  I  am  speaking  of  the  earlier  part  of  my  illness 
before  a  synthesis  of  memories  had  been  effected  and  A  was 
the  personality  most  in  evidence.  The  same  statement,  how¬ 
ever,  holds  good  for  the  unstable  state  above  referred  to  when 
my  memory  was  approximately  complete  but  when  I  was 
easily  disintegrated  by  any  emotional  strain  or  physical 
fatigue.  Even  now,  being  my  normal  self,  I  wake  from 
hypnosis  with  a  marked  increase  in  my  feeling  of  strength, 
stability,  and  ambition.  As  I  have  stated,  I  have  never  been 
in  vigorous  health  (excepting  during  the  time  of  my  existence 
as  B)  and  have  suffered  all  my  life  from  so-called  nervous 
headache.  For  this  trouble  I  have  been  treated  by  a  number 
of  physicians  and  I  have  no  doubt  that  I  have  taken  every 
known  drug  for  headache,  but  nothing  has  ever  given  me 
such  prolonged  relief  as  therapeutic  suggestion  in  hypnosis, 
and  my  health  is  better  now  than  for  a  number  of  years. 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


2  3 


I  realize  the  inadequacy  of  this  description,  Dr.  Prince; 
it  needs  a  mind  trained  to  such  study  to  do  the  subject  justice 
and  I  cannot  find  the  words  to  make  the  distinction  between 
the  two  personalities  as  sharp  as  it  really  was.  Moreover, 
I  have  touched  only  upon  the  lighter  side  of  the  case.  The 
many  deep  experiences,  some  of  them  so  bitter  to  remember 
and  some  of  which  have  caused  me  lasting  sorrow  I  cannot 
bring  myself  to  relate  and  “the  half  has  not  been  told.” 
Few,  I  hope,  have  ever  had  or  ever  will  have  such  an  expe¬ 
rience  as  mine.  It  seems  to  me,  however,  that  similar  con¬ 
ditions  must  often  prevail  when  they  are  not  recognized,  or, 
if  recognized,  are  but  vaguely  understood;  there  is  little 
knowledge  of  the  necessary  treatment  and  the  case  is  con¬ 
sidered  hopeless.  As  I  have  recovered,  so  may  others  simi¬ 
larly  afflicted,  and  it  is  for  this  reason,  and  with  the  hope  that  a 
more  general  knowledge  of  the  phenomena  exhibited  may  be 
of  some  value  in  the  treatment  of  such  disorders,  that  I  am 
willing  to  have  the  facts  published.  If  it  does  serve  that  end 
I  shall  feel  it  some  compensation  for  the  suffering  and  tur¬ 
moil  of  the  past  few  years. 


PART  II 


An  Introspective  Analysis  of  Co-Conscious  Life 

BY  A  PERSONALITY  (B)  CLAIMING  TO  BE  CO-CONSCIOUS 

[ Prefatory  Note:  Part  I,  which  appeared  in  the  Oct.-Nov. 
number  of  the  Journal,  entitled,  “My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Per¬ 
sonality,”  gave  an  account  of  the  different  phases  of  multiple  person¬ 
ality  as  they  appeared  to  the  subject  after  restoration  to  health.  The 
account  which  is  here  presented  was  written  by  the  same  subject  in 
one  of  her  states  of  dissociated  personality  known  as  B,  and  gives  the 
point  of  view  of  the  subject  in  this  condition.  This  personality,  it 
will  be  remembered,  ;dthough-aja-altef«atiflg -personality,  claims  also 
to  be  co-eons cinus  with  rhe-rtf-her  pha-sos-uf  personality.  including  both 
the  dissociated  state  A  and  the  integrated  normal  -state  CL-and  to 
have  a  stream  of  mental  life  contemporaneous  with  tire  stream  of  the 
main  personal  consciousness  of  either  state.  (Objective  evidence  for 
this  claim  has  in  part  been  presented  in  two  previous  articles,  one  en¬ 
titled  “  Experiments  to  Determine  Co-Conscious  (Subconscious) 
Ideation,”  by  the  Editor,  and  one  on  “  Experiments  in  Psycho- 
Galvanic  Reactions  from  Co-Conscious  (Subconscious)  Ideas  in  a 
Case  of  Multiple  Personality,”  by  Dr.  Frederick  Peterson  and 
the  Editor.  These  appeared  in  The  Journal  of  Abnormal 
Psychology  for  April-May,i9o8,  and  June-July,  1908,  respectively.) 

This  second  account  derives  its  chief  interest  from  the 
fact  that  it  is  an  introspective  analysis  of  co-conscious  life  made 
by  a  person  who  remembers,  as  she  claims,  this  life.  It  is  not, 
therefore,  an  interpretation  of  objective  facts,  as  must  be  any 
conclusions  drawn  from  co-conscious  phenomena,  like  automatic 
writing  and  hysterical  automatism,  but  the  remembered  conscious 
experiences  of  the  person  herself .  In  this  respect  it  is  a  record  of 
conscious  processes  similar  to  that  which  any  one  might  give  by 
introspective  analysis  of  his  own  thoughts. 

Not  the  least  interesting  part  of  the  analysis  is  the  genesis  of 
the  co-conscious  stream  which  the  writer  traces  to  a  complex  (B) 
which  had  previously  existed  for  a  long  period  as  a  phase  of  her 
character  but  without  wnawareness  for  the  same,  and  which  con¬ 
tinued  without  interruption  after  unawareness  had  developed,  and 

24 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


2  5 


thereby  became  independent  and  co-conscious  by  definition  although 
it  had  really  existed  before.  This  complex,  however,  as  will  be  seen, 
is  not  the  whole  of  the  co-conscious  life,  which  also  embraces  a  syn¬ 
thesis  of  perceptions  of  which  the  subject  is  not  aware.  The  rela¬ 
tions  of  this  co-conscious  stream  to  the  personal  consciousness,  its 
influences  upon  the  latter,  etc.,  are  also  described  as  they  appear  to 
the  writer.  The  only  aid  given  the  writer  in  the  preparation  of  this 
account  was  to  indicate  some  of  the  various  points  upon  which  it 
seemed  desirable  to  have  such  introspective  testimony,  such  as  “  The 
Content  of  Co-Consciousness,”  “  Sepaiateness  of  Co-Consciousness,” 
etc.  These  are  given  as  headlines  and  have  largely  determined  the 
form  of  the  account.  (The  first  headline,  “  Genesis  of  Dissociation,” 
was  inserted  by  myself  after  the  account  was  written).  Every  care 
has  been  taken  not  to  influence  the  writer  in  her  introspective  observa¬ 
tions.  The  rough  draft,  however,  was  criticized,  some  statements 
were  challenged  as  interpretations,  and  the  writer  made  to  defend  her 
statements  as  far  as  possible  and  make  explicit  what  seemed  too  gen¬ 
eral  or  vague,  or  not  clear,  and  to  distinguish  between  fact  and  inter¬ 
pretation.  I  feel  positive,  however,  so  far  as  any  one  can  feel  positive 
in  such  matters,  that  the  introspective  observations  have  not  been  in¬ 
fluenced  in  any  way,  as  the  main  object  was  to  obtain  an  uninflu¬ 
enced  account  free  from  artifact. 

While  it  is  difficult  to  accept  as  fact  such  an  extensive  and 
continuous  co-conscious  life,  the  only  alternative  explanation  is 
more  difficult  of  credence.  The  truthfulness  of  the  writer  is  beyond 
question.  There  remains,  then,  only  the  hypothesis  that  all  the 
memories  of  this  life  are  dream-like  fabrications  and  hallucinations. 
It  is  difficult,  if  not  impossible,  to  reconcile  this  interpretation  with 
numerous  facts;  among  them,  that  in  numerous  instances  it  could 
be  proved  that  the  claimed  memories  of  B  (not  possessed  by  C) 
have  corresponded  accurately  with  the  facts  of  the  environment,* 
even  when  the  subject,  in  one  instance,  was  dreaming  and  “  walking 
in  her  sleep  ”  (somnambulism);  that  they  included  the  contents  of 
automatic  writings,  of  which  the  subject  was  unaware,  and  various 
other  peculiarities;  that  the  personality  is  otherwise  a  cleat-headed, 
intelligent  person  capable  of  close  reasoning,  and  is  not  subject  to 
fabrications  of  memory  of  any  other  sort;  that  the  memories  were 
definite,  precise,  logical,  and  could  not  be  broken  down  under 
cross-examination,  etc.  These  memories  certainly  do  not  resemble 

*Some  of  these  data  will  be  found  in  the  article  on  the  unconscious  in 
this  number. 


26 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


fabrications  as  manifested  in  certain  well-known  cases  (e.g.  those 
of  Flournoy,  Hyslop,  Angel,  and  others). 

The  facts  pertaining  to  the  memories  of  co-conscious  life  were 
narrated  to  me,  in  the  course  of  my  study  of  the  case,  by  B  before 
the  subject  had  begun  the  study  of  the  literature,  and  when,  there¬ 
fore,  she  was  ignorant  of  the  theories  of  the  subconscious,  multiple 
personalities,  etc. 

It  is  interesting  to  note  that  the  introspective  observations  of 
B  agree  in  principle  with  those  in  the  account  given  by  the  co- 
conscious  personality  in  the  case  of  Miss  Beauchamp.  It  is  also 
in  harmony  with  the  objective  facts  observed  in  numerous  pathologi¬ 
cal  cases,  like  that  of  Miss  Winsor,  and  in  artificial  dissociations  of 
which  the  phenomena  of  automatic  writing  are  examples.  Whatever 
interpretation  be  put  upon  such  an  account,  the  importance  of  having 
an  introspective  analysis  of  this  kind  cannot  be  questioned. 

One  other  point  needs  to  be  explained.  Personality  C  spoken 
of  in  this  account  is  not  wholly  the  same  personality  as  that  which 
wrote  the  account  in  the  last  number  of  the  Journal  referred  to 
above.  To  avoid  confusion  in  the  reader’s  mind  I  have  not  hitherto 
explained  that,  in  the  attempt  to  reintegrate  the  various  dissociated 
states,  a  personality  was  first  obtained  and  labelled  C,  which  was  not 
absolutely  normal  nor  a  complete  integration.  It  was  nearly  so, 
however,  but  was  unstable  and  varied  in  certain  details,  which 
would  be  confusing  to  go  into  here,  from  the  final  integrated  normal 
personality  C,  who  wrote  the  first  account.  Later  this  completely 
integrated  and  stable  personality  was  obtained.  The  writer,  B. 
claims  to  have  the  same  co-conscious  life  with  this  apparently  normal 
stable  personality,  only  she  has  not  the  power  to  influence  her,  and 
therefore  cannot  “  come  ”  voluntarily.  She  can,  however,  perform 
automatic  writing  (as  many  normal  persons  can),  and  thus  give 
evidence  of  a  co-conscious  existence.  Through  hypnosis,  too, 
the  alternating  state  B  can  be  obtained.  Afterward  the  normal 
C  becomes  integrated  again  and  retains  memories  of  this  state  as 
explained  in  her  account. 

Some  of  the  phrases  were  italicized  by  myself  to  make  the 
points  of  the  writer  clearer. 

The  writer  desires  it  to  be  known  that  an  opportunity  was  not 
allowed  her  to  polish  the  style  and  give  it  a  literary  finish.  An 
attempt  was  made  by  her  only  to  weigh  and  note  the  facts  as 
accurately  as  possible. 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


27 


A  complete  experimental  account  of  this  case  has  been  reserved 
for  future  publication. 


The  Editor.] 


[ Prefatory  note  by  Dr.  J.  J.  Putnam  and  Dr.  George  A.  Water¬ 
man:  The  undersigned,  having  had  the  privilege  of  seeing,  on  several 
occasions,  the  writer  of  the  following  article,  and  of  witnessing  the 
remarkable  transformations  of  personality  which  Dr.  Prince  has 
learned  to  bring  about  in  her  at  will,  desire  to  add  to  the  very  inter¬ 
esting  story  which  she  tells  a  few  words  of  endorsement  and  appre¬ 
ciation. 

In  the  first  place  we  are  convinced  that  the  patient  is  a  truthful 
witness,  a  conscientious  observer,  an  intelligent  and  right-minded 
person.  In  the  next  place,  we  believe  that  what  she  describes  as 
memories  were  memories  and  not  vaporings  or  fabrications.  The 
facts  which  she  gave  to  us,  as  “  State  B,”  are  faithfully  transcribed 
in  this  account.  As  she  told  them  she  made  on  us  the  impression 
of  a  person  narrating  her  experiences  and  ready  to  be  cross-ques¬ 
tioned  on  them.  Furtheimore,  a  number  of  her  statements  were 
susceptible  of  verification  and  were  verified  by  us. 

James  J.  Putnam,  M.D. 
George  A.  Waterman,  M.D.] 


I  HAVE  been  asked  to  write  an  account  of  my  alternating 
and  my  co-conscious  life,  and  I  have  endeavored  in 
the  following  pages  to  present  the  facts  as  they  seem  to 
me,  but  the  task  has  been  an  extremely  difficult  one. 
The  whole  paper  is,  of  course,  retrospective  and  introspec¬ 
tive,  and  it  has  been  quite  impossible  at  times  to  draw  sharp 
lines  of  demarcation  between  the  personalities.  No  doubt 
I  may  have  read  into  the  facts  somewhat,  and  no  doubt 
my  account  may  be  colored  more  or  less  by  my  present 
knowledge  of  abnormal  psychology,  for  I  have  read  a  good 
deal  of  the  literature  and  informed  myself  on  the  subject 
as  much  as  possible.  Had  I  not  done  so  I  could  not  have 
written  this  account  at  all  in  any  intelligible  language  —  I 
should  have  no  vocabulary  in  which  to  express  myself.  I 
find  great  difficulty  now  in  making  my  meaning  at  all  clear, 
for  I  have  no  words  subtle  enough.  For  example:  I  am  in 
great  need  of  a  word  that  will  express  something  in  C’s 


28 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


mind  that  is  between  a  picture  and  a  thought,  and  should  be 
much  obliged  to  any  one  who  will  supply  it.  I  find  myself 
in  much  the  same  position  as  a  stranger  in  a  foreign  land  — 
my  words  do  not  convey  my  meaning.  Moreover,  this 
paper  has  been  written  largely  at  odd  times  and  at  long 
intervals,  and,  consequentlv,  is  more  or  less  disconnected. 
The  main  facts,  however,  of  memory,  though  possibly  the 
description  of  them  may  be  tinged  by  what  I  have  read,  are, 
I  am  sure,  absolutely  correct.  I  suppose  everybody’s  de¬ 
scription  of  a  fact  is  more  or  less  colored  by  his  general 
knowledge.  The  condition  of  the  mind  has  been  constantly 
changing,  and  what  was  true  of  A’s  mind  was  not  true  of 
the  C  first  obtained,  and  the  mind  of  the  wholly  integrated 
C  is  different  from  either  of  the  other  two;  so  my  task,  as  I 
said,  has  been  beset  with  many  difficulties. 

I  have  referred  to  the  different  personalities  as  A,  B, 
and  C,  and  in  describing  the  system  of  ideas  out  of  which,  it 
seems  to  me,  I  developed,  I  have  used  the  term  “  the  B  com¬ 
plex.”  The  reader  must  not  confuse  the  B  complex  with  the 
B  personality.  The  B  complex  was  made  up  of  floating 
thoughts,  impulses,  desires,  inclinations,  of  which  A  was 
quite  aware,  but  which  had  been  for  years  suppressed;  or, 
at  least,  she  had  been  endeavoring  to  suppress  them.  It 
seems  to  me  that  the  B  personality  (myself)  grew  out  of 
this  group  of  ideas,  for  in  my  character  as  a  personality  are 
all  the  ideas  of  the  B  complex.  The  two  are  distinct  in 
the  same  sense  that  the  seed  is  distinct  from  the  flower,  if 
I  may  be  allowed  to  use  metaphor.  The  B  complex  seems  to 
me  to  be  the  seed  from  which  I,  the  B  personality,  developed. 
I  say  that  the  B  complex  and  the  B  personality  are  distinct, 
yet  in  referring  to  the  B  complex  I  find  myself  continually 
saying  “  I  ”;  it  is  difficult  not  to  do  so.  This,  I  think,  must 
show  the  intimate  relation  between  the  two.  I  think  of  the 
B  complex  and  I  find  I  think  of  it  as  myself,  although  I  do 
not  think  of  A  and  C  as  myself,  and  they  do  not  seem  to 
be  my  own  personality.  You  may  say  that  I  am  C  trans¬ 
formed,  if  you  choose,  but  a  thing  transformed  is  not  the 
same.  I  am,  at  any  rate,  a  distinct  personality. 

GENESIS  OF  DISSOCIATION 

A  very  long  time  ago  C  received  an  emotional  shock 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


29 


which  it  seems  to  me,  as  I  look  at  it  now,  resulted  in  the 
first  little  cleavage  of  personality.  This  emotion  was  one  of 
fright  and  led  to  rebellion  against  the  conditions  of  her  life, 
and  formed  a  small  vague  complex  which  persisted  in  the 
sense  that  it  recurred  from  time  to  time,  though  it  was  always 
immediately  suppressed.  This  complex,  it  seems  to  me, 
was  the  same,  though  only  slightly  developed,  as  that  which 
appeared  later  and  is  described  as  complex  B.  (See  below 
second  period.)  In  trying  to  explain  this  condition,  which 
it  seems  to  me  was  the  first  starting  of  what  ultimately  re¬ 
sulted  in  a  division  of  personality,  I  will  divide  the  time 
into  periods  and  I  will  call  this  period  I. 

Twenty  years  later  she  received  a  great  shock  in  the 
sudden  illness  of  her  husband.  The  events  of  this  period 
I  call  period  II.  This  illness  was  of  such  a  nature  that 
C  knew  no  complete  recovery  was  possible,  and  that  death 
might  result  at  any  time.  T  his  second  shock  aroused  the 
same  emotions  of  fright  and  rebellion,  and  seemed  to  revive 
and  intensify  the  old  complex.  Then  came  the  nervous 
strain  of  sorrow,  anxiety,  care,  and  the  inability  to  reconcile 
herself  to  the  inevitable.  This  nervous  strain  continued 
for  four  years.  C’s  life  during  this  time  was  given  up  en¬ 
tirely  to  the  care  of  her  husband;  she  tried  to  live  up  to  her 
ideal  — which  was  a  high  one  —  of  duty  and  responsibility, 
and  always  having  the  sense  of  failure,  discouragement,  and 
apprehension.  That  old  complex  of  rebellious  thoughts, 
revived  for  the  second  time  by  the  shock  I  have  spoken  of, 
became  intensified  and  more  persistent  during  the  four 
years  following.  It  was  a  rebellion,  a  longing  for  happiness, 
a  disinclination  to  give  up  the  pleasures  of  life  which  the 
conditions  required;  and  there  was  a  certain  determination 
to  have  those  pleasures  in  spite  of  everything,  and  this 
resulted  in  a  constant  struggle  between  C  and  this  complex. 
For  the  sake  of  clearness  I  shall  call  this  the  B  complex,  for, 
as  I  have  stated,  it  seems  to  me  that  it  later  developed  into 
the  co-conscious  and  alternating  personality,  B,  myself. 
C  was  conscious  of  these  thoughts,  but  they  represented  to 
her  the  selfish  and  weak  part  of  her  nature  and  she  tried  to 
suppress  them;  tried  to  put  them  out  of  her  mind  but  they 


3o 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


still  persisted,  and  she  was  always  to  a  greater  or  less  extent 
aware  of  them.  There  was  no  lack  of  awareness  and  no 
amnesia.  As  the  months  and  years  went  on  the  sorrow  and 
anxiety  of  the  C  group  increased,  and  the  conflicting  and 
rebellion  of  the  B  group  increased.  C  was  ashamed  of  the 
latter  and  always  tried  to  suppress  such  thoughts  as  they 
arose.  If  during  those  years  anything  happy  had  come  to 
C  the  formation  of  this  rebellious  complex  would,  I  believe, 
have  been  retarded,  perhaps  stopped  altogether,  but  nothing 
pleasant  happened;  it  was  all  grief,  and  everything  went 
wrong.  This  B  complex,  it  seems  to  me,  as  I  have  above 
stated,  was  the  evolution  of  that  which  in  the  form  of  re¬ 
bellious  thoughts  developed  in  period  I. 

Finally  her  husband  died  away  from  home,  and  that 
was,  to  C,  the  one  thing  she  had  felt  she  could  not  bear. 
She  did  not  recover  from  the  shock  and  became  more  and 
more  nervous,  was  very  much  depressed,  easily  fatigued, 
suffered  constantly  from  headache,  and  was  possessed  by 
all  sorts  of  doubts  and  fears,  reproaching  herself  for  things 
done  and  undone.  She  also  overtaxed  her  strength  in 
attending  to  business  matters.  As  she  grew  more  and  more 
neurasthenic,  it  seems  to  me  as  I  look  back  upon  it,  the 
B  complex  grew  stronger  and  more  dominant,  and  with  this 
increase  of  strength  of  this  complex,  C  began  to  live  a  life 
corresponding  to  the  impulses  belonging  to  it  —  staying 
out  of  doors  entirely  —  and  then  there  followed  much  im¬ 
provement  in  her  health.  She  took  long  rides  on  the  electric 
cars,  which  she  had  always  previously  disliked  intensely; 
she  had  always  been  very  much  afraid  of  a  canoe,  but  now 
she  went  canoeing  often  and  enjoyed  it.  She  was  surprised 
and  astonished  that  she  should  enjoy  these  things,  as  it  was 
foreign  to  her  natural  and  previous  ideas  and  inclinations. 
There  was  no  change  of  character,  properly  speaking,  but 
she  did  things  she  disapproved  of  and  knew  at  the  time 
that  she  disapproved  of  them.  There  was  a  recognition  that 
she  was  doing  things  she  would  not  previously  have  done, 
and  she  protested  to  herself,  but  even  this  half-protest  was 
suppressed.  She  would  say  to  herself,  “  Why  am  I  doing 
these  things  ?  I  never  cared  for  them  before.  Why  should 
I  care  for  them  now  ?  ”  The  old  doubts  and  fears  were  at 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality  31 

this  time  out  of  mind.  The  personality  was  C,  but  influenced 
and  dominated  by  the  B  complex  of  which,  of  course,  she 
was  perfectly  aware.  It  seems  to  me  that  the  ideas  of  the 
C  complex  and  the  ideas  of  the  B  complex  occurred  con¬ 
currently  and  simultaneously,  so  that  it  could  be  said  that  one 
was  co-conscious  with  the  other.  This  is  the  way  it  seems 
to  me,  but  I  find  it  impossible  to  state  positively  from  re¬ 
trospection  that  the  two  complexes  were  not  rapid  oscilla¬ 
tions  or  alternations  from  instant  to  instant. 

At  this  time  there  came  to  C  a  third  shock  of  a  strongly 
emotional  nature,  giving  rise  to  events  which  I  call  period  III . 
It  brought  to  her  the  realization  of  a  fact  of  which  she  had 
been  unconscious;  she  had  never  thought  of  the  possibility 
of  such  a  thing  and  she  was  startled,  frightened,  angry,  all 
in  a  flash  —  and  I  was  there.  James,  in  explaining  “  Sud¬ 
den  Religious  Conversion,”  speaks  of  a  “  flowering  of  the 
subconscious,” — well,  I  “flowered,”  and  C  disappeared 
somewhere;  the  B  complex  had  become  a  personality  and  I 
lived  a  life  of  my  own  choosing.*  How  slowly  this  complex 
gathered  form  in  this  case  may  be  seen  from  the  fact  that 
it  was  five  years  from  the  time  of  the  beginning  of  her  hus¬ 
band’s  illness  before  I  came  as  a  personality. 

Now,  when  I  came  as  a  personality,  I  felt  much  younger 
than  C;  my  ideas  of  what  constituted  pleasure  were  more 
like  those  of  a  girl  of  twenty  —  as  C  was  when  she  received 
the  first  shock  ( period  I).  But  in  character,  points  of 
view,  tastes,  emotions,  in  everything  that  goes  to  make  up 
personality  I  was  quite  different  from  anything  C  had  ever 
been;  also  in  health.  I  was  strong  and  vigorous,  taking  long 
walks  and  feeling  no  fatigue.  I  was  also  very  happy.  Life 
seemed  so  good  to  me;  everything  was  so  beautiful;  the  out¬ 
door  world  looked  to  me  as  it  does  to  one  who  has  been  for 
months  shut  in  through  illness.  I  loved  the  trees,  the  sky, 
and  the  wind;  but  I  did  not  love  people.  I  felt  no  care  or 
responsibility  —  that  is  why  I  was  so  happy.  I  remained 
the  only  personality  for  about  one  month,  when  there  came 

*That  is,  the  remainder  of  the  C  complex  subsided  into  the  “  uncon¬ 
scious,”  where,  of  course,  its  experiences  were  conserved.  They  could  be 
recalled  as  a  memory  by  B.  As  a  system  of  ideas  the  B  complex  had  been 
“  flowering  ”  for  five  years.  (Ed.) 


3  2 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


the  fourth  emotional  shock,  producing  period  IV.  It  was  I, 

B,  who  received  this  shock  and  it  brought  back  C  as  the 
dominant  personality  but  in  a  somewhat  changed  condition. 
Her  mental  perturbation  was  greater,  she  was  more  in¬ 
tensely  nervous,  full  of  doubts  and  fears  and  misgivings. 
This  state  is  one  which  we  have  called  A,  for  the  sake  of 
clearness,  and  will  be  presently  described.  As  to  myself 
I  still  continued,  in  a  sense,  as  the  B  complex  in  the  same 
way  as  during  the  time  when  C  lived  the  life  which  was  in 
accordance  with  my  nature  and  opposed  to  hers,  i.e.,  the 
out  of  doors  life  during  the  latter  part  of  the  second  period; 
only,  as  a  result  of  the  time  ( period  III)  when  I  was  the  sole 
personality  (though  I  did  not  think  of  myself  as  such)  and 
had  lived  my  own  life,  I  had,  it  seems  to  me  as  I  look  back 
upon  it,  become  more  crystallized.  There  had  before 
seemed  to  be  a  conjoining  of  two  natures,  and  there  was  now, 
only  the  second  one,  myself,  was  more  strongly  integrated. 

C,  or  rather  A,  as  I  shall  call  this  new  phase,  had  no  amnesia 
for  the  preceding  period  (III),  and  as  before  was  still  per¬ 
fectly  aware  of  the  B  complex.  She  was  ruled  by  this  com¬ 
plex,  as  C  had  before  been  ruled,  and  kept  right  on  doing 
things  in  accordance  with  the  impulses  of  the  B  complex. 
She  was  something  like  a  somnambulist,  I  think,  partly  real¬ 
izing  the  difference  in  her  conduct,  which  seemed  strange  to 
her,  and  unable  to  help  herself.  This  condition  lasted  about 
a  week.  Then  I  came  again  as  a  personality  —  the  whole 
personality  —  and  stayed  a  month.  Then  A  came  as  the 
result  of  another  shock,  fully  awake,  and  still  without 
amnesia  and  filled  with  amazement,  horror,  and  despair 
at  what  she  (I,  B,)  had  been  doing,  but  still  dominated  by 
the  B  complex,  of  which  she  was  still  aware.  These  changes 
were  all  caused  by  emotional  shocks  connected  with  the 
same  subject.  As  I,  B,  seem  to  represent  all  the  lighter, 
gayer,  and  more  irresponsible  part  of  C’s  nature,  so  A 
seemed  to  represent  all  the  sad,  gloomy,  and  morbid  part. 
She  could  hardly  believe  that  she  had  done  a  short  time 
before  the  things  which  she  remembered  perfectly  as  her 
own  acts;  she  saw  everything  from  an  entirely  different  point 
of  view.  All  the  old  doubts  and  fears  returned  stronger 
than  before.  The  state  of  vigorous  health  was  gone  in  a 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


33 


twinkling;  she  was  ill,  hardly  able  to  sit  up;  intensely  nervous, 
unable  to  eat,  sleep,  or  to  put  her  mind  on  anything.  In  this 
condition  she  was  strongly  dominated  by  the  B  complex. 
She  felt  bound  to  keep  promises  which  I  (B)  had  made 
( period  III),  though  she  disapproved  of  the  course  of  action 
it  involved.  There  was  no  self-consciousness  in  the  B 
complex  of  personality.  I  did  not  think  of  myself  as  a 
different  personality  until  after  the  development  of  amnesia 
and  unawareness  in  A,  but  in  looking  back  I  realize  the  fact 
that  I  was  a  personality  long  before  I  knew  myself  as  such 
( period  III).  I  came  in  the  first  place  as  a  personality  by 
accident,  so  to  speak,  and  I  became  the  B  complex  again 
in  the  same  way,  but  in  the  mean  time  I  had  lived  an  in¬ 
dependent  life,  and  the  B  complex  was  stronger  and  more 
isolated.  It  was  at  this  time  that  A  was  sent  to  Dr.  Prince. 

[The  following  paragraphs  in  brackets  were  dictated 
by  B  in  hypnosis.  Consequently,  as  will  be  seen,  the  writer 
in  this  state  remembers  her  previous  hypnoses,  which  is  not 
the  case  when  she  is  awake. — Ed.] 

[Shortly  after  A  went  to  Dr.  Prince  one  important  change 
took  place;  she  began  to  have  amnesia  for  the  time  when  I  was 
in  existence  as  the  whole  personality.  1  he  first  time  A 
had  amnesia  for  me  occurred  at  home  after  I  had  come 
spontaneously.  I  do  not  remember  the  exact  circumstances 
of  my  coming  or  what  brought  me.  It  was  in  the  morning, 
and  it  was  raining  when  the  change  took  place,  and  I  realized 
my  own  personality.  I  wrote  a  letter  to  Dr.  Prince  and  took 
it  to  the  office  to  post  it.  Just  as  I  dropped  it  in  the  box  the 
change  of  personality  again  took  place  and  A  came  to  the 
fore  to  find  herself  in  the  post  office  with  no  knowledge  of 
why  or  how  she  came  there.  From  that  moment  A  had 
complete  amnesia  for  me  as  an  alternating  personality  and 
also  was  unaware  of  me  as  a  co-conscious  complex.  I  do  not 
know  what  caused  the  amnesia  and  unawareness,  but  Dr. 
Prince  tells  me  there  was  a  reason  for  it  which  he  can  ex¬ 
plain.*  I,  however,  had  no  amnesia  for  A  as  an  alternating 

*B  had  appeared  accidentally  in  hypnosis,  i.e.,  as  an  hypnotic  state. 
Of  this  awake  she  has  no  memory.  The  next  time  the  spontaneous  change 
form  B  to  A  took  place  the  latter  had  amnesia  for  B  and  unawareness  for 
the  B  complex.  (Ed.) 


34 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


personality,  which  may  be  due  to  the  fact  that  I  was  also 
co-conscious  with  A  as  well  as  an  alternating  personality. 

A  and  I  (B)  alternated  frequently  for  months,  A  having 
amnesia  for  me,  but  I  remembering  A.  The  change  in 
personality  was  caused  by  any  sudden  shock,  emotion, 
fatigue,  anxiety. 

After  C  (whose  memory  was  approximately  complete 
but  who  was  unstable)*  was  obtained,  the  three  personalities 
alternated,  A  and  C  having  amnesia  for  me  (B)  and  for 
each  other,  but  I  had  no  amnesia,  being,  as  I  will  presently 
explain,  co-conscious  with  both  states.  As  an  alternating 
personality  I  (B)  remember  both  states  and  my  own  co- 
conscious  life,  but  not  the  hypnotic  states.  When  I  am  co- 
conscious  (with  A  and  C),  however,  I  remember  my  own 
hypnotic  state  and  A’s,  but  not  C’s  hypnotic  state. f 

There  was  no  change  in  my  (B’s)  character  after  I 
became  an  alternating  personality  except  in  so  far  as  I  was 
broadened  by  my  own  independent  experiences. 

In  hypnosis  I  remember  that  I  came  as  B  once  but 
hypnotized,  having  changed  spontaneously  from  A,  who 
was  then  in  hypnosis.  After  becoming  A  awake  she  had  no 
memory  of  this,  i.e.,  of  me  or  herself  in  hypnosis,  any  more 
than  I  (B)  have  awake.  On  the  first  occasion  after  this 
when  A  changed  to  me  (B)  as  above  narrated,  A  was 
no  longer  aware  of  her  rebellious  complex,  and  she  had 
amnesia  for  me  as  an  alternating  personality.] 

CO-CONSCIOUS  LIFE 

In  reading  this  description  of  my  co-conscious  life  the 
reader  must  remember  that  I  am  not  trying  to  prove  any¬ 
thing,  as  that  is  obviously  impossible.  I  myself  know  the 
facts  to  be  as  stated,  but  that  is  not  proof  for  any  one  else. 
I  can  only  state  these  facts  as  they  seem  to  me  and  describe 
my  co-conscious  thoughts  as  any  one  would  describe  their 
thoughts  by  introspection.  I  can  only  claim  that  they  are 

*This  was  not  the  final  C  but  a  preliminary  one  who  was  not  quite 
complete.  (Ed.) 

fBeing  in  hypnosis  now  I  remember  this,  but  when  I  wake  up  as  an 
alternating  personality  I  lose  this  part  of  my  co-conscious  memory. 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


35 


distinct  memories;  this  I  know.  If  any  one  can  interpret 
them  in  any  other  way  I  shall  be  much  interested  in  knowing 
how  it  can  be  done.  My  memory  of  my  co-conscious  life 
is  just  as  sharp  and  distinct,  even  more  so,  than  my  memory 
of  my  alternating  life.  I  also  know  that  C  does  not  have 
these  memories.  Should  this  article  chance  to  be  read  by 
some  other  co-consciousness  we  may  get  additional  evidence. 

I  have  been  asked  if  it  does  not  seem  strange  to  me 
that  I  should  be  able  to  think  my  own  thoughts  while  C  is 
thinking  hers.  It  does  not,  of  course,  seem  strange  to  me 
at  all,  but  I  realize  now  how  strange  it  seems  to  others. 
But  how  can  any  one  say  that  there  is  not  in  his  own  mind 
a  second  stream  of  thought  of  which  he  is  not  conscious  ? 

Besides  an  alternating  life,  then,  as  I  have  said,  I  have 
another  life  which  I  must  describe;  namely,  that  of  my  sub¬ 
conscious  or  co-conscious  existence.  When  I  am  not  here 
as  an  alternating  personality,  my  thoughts  still  continue 
during  the  lives  of  A  and  C,  although  they  are  not  aware 
of  them.  I  am  co-conscious  with  both  A  and  C.  That  is 
to  say,  my  mental  life  cnptifiUpt:  independently  of  theirs. 
This  co-conscious  life  of  mine  is  a  continuation  of  my  alter¬ 
nating  life  after  the  change  takes  place  to  A  or  C.  I  still  go 
on  thinking  my  own  thoughts  and  retain  all  the  memories 
of  my  life  as  B,  and  of  my  previous  co-conscious  life.  I  think 
my  own  thoughts,  which  are  different  from  theirs,  and  at 
the  same  time  I  know  their  thoughts  and  what  they  do. 
My  co-conscious  life  is  very  similar  to  what  my  mental  life  was 
before  the  unawareness  developed  in  A,  except  for  certain 
peculiar  developments  and  differences  which,  it  seems  to  me, 
have  resulted  from  this  unawareness.  Before  the  unaware¬ 
ness  the  different  complexes  existed  but  as  a  part  of  one 
personality.  Then  A  was  aware  of  my  (B)  complex  and 
resisted  it;  now  she  is  not  aware  and  cannot.  Before  the 
amnesia  there  were  the  same  conflicting  emotions  and 
desires,  but  the  division  of  personality  was  not  complete. 
The  A  complex  was  aware  of  the  B  complex  and  vice  versa, 
but  until  A  was  weakened  by  ill  health  she  largely  controlled 
or  inhibited  the  B  complex.  After  becoming  weakened,  as 
I  have  said,  when  A  was  present  she  was  influenced  by  the 
B  complex  according  to  circumstances.  On  the  other  hand, 


36 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


when  the  B  complex  was  present  it  was  at  this  time  aware 
of  the  protest  of  the  A  complex  but  was  not  at  the  time  in¬ 
fluenced  by  it.  A  was  completely  dominated  by  B,  but  B 
was  never  influenced  by  A. 

As  far  as  ideas,  emotions,  and  points  of  view  go,  I  was 
as  much  a  personality  before  the  amnesia  and  unawareness 
on  A’s  part  as  after,  but  still  I  do  not  speak  of  myself  as  an 
“  I  ”  at  that  time,  chiefly  because  I  thought  nothing  about  it. 
Before  amnesia  I  do  not  think  there  were  any  thoughts  in 
the  B  complex  of  which  A  was  unaware,  but  there  were 
many  which  she  did  not  understand. 

After  amnesia  and  unawareness  I  became  a  distinct 
personality  in  my  own  thought  because  I  had  a  life  com¬ 
pletely  my  own,  of  which  A  was  unaware.  My  thoughts, 
my  experiences,  she  knew  nothing  of.  The  unawareness 
removed  all  inhibition*  of  my  thoughts,  and  from  that 
time  I  can  speak  of  my  thoughts  as  co-conscious,  because, 
while  they  ran  along  with  A’s  as  they  had  done  before,  she 
was  no  longer  conscious  of  them.  They  were  the  same 
kind  of  thoughts  as  had  occurred  in  the  B  complex;  the  un¬ 
awareness  only  made  them  more  isolated,  separate,  compact, 
better  crystallized,  and  the  fact  that  A  did  not  know  them 
gave  them  greater  freedom.  Inhibition  was  removed. 
Before  this  she  inhibited  these  thoughts.  Otherwise  the 
fact  of  awareness  or  unawareness  did  not  make  any  differ¬ 
ence.  I  naturally,  then,  spoke  of  this  group  of  thoughts 
and  perceptions  as  a  personality. 

With  the  absence  of  awareness  there  was  a  growth  of 
the  co-conscious  experiences,  and  the  fact  of  alternation 
gave  me  independent  experiences,  and  all  this  added  to  and 
developed  both  the  co-conscious  and  alternating  lives. 
As  an  alternating  personality  I  retained  my  co-conscious 
memories. f 

*This  is  more  specifically  expressed  in  the  preliminary  notes  from 
which  the  final  manuscript  was  written,  as  follows:  “  Before  this  (the 
unawareness)  I  had  the  same  thoughts  and  inclinations,  but  A  knew  them 
and  rebelled  against  them.  Now  when  A  ceased  to  be  aware  of  my  thoughts 
and  life  they  were  there  all  the  same,  but  we  speak  of  them  as  co-conscious 
by  the  definition.  They  continued  as  they  had  before.  The  unawareness 
only  made  them  more  isolated,”  etc. 

fThat  is,  of  course,  so  far  as  she  knows.  As  a  fact  she  does  not  re¬ 
member  the  hypnotic  states,  which  co-consciously  she  does.  See  above.  (Ed.) 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


37 


When  C*  was  obtained  the  condition  was  the  same, 
only  I  was  less  strongly  organized  co-consciously.  I  do  not 
mean  in  separateness  of  thought  or  perceptions,  but  with  C 
when  first  obtained  I  had  less  power  to  influence  her,  could 
not  alternate  with  her  by  willing,  and  came  less  often  spon¬ 
taneously,  but  later  this  changed  somewhat.  The  fact  is 
that  this  C  was  so  unstable  that  the  content  of  her  mind 
changed  constantly.  What  was  true  one  day  would  not  be 
true  another.  Later  I  could  at  times  influence  her,  as 
explained  on  page  41. 

When  I  am  co-conscious  I  see  and  hear  many  things  of 
which  neither  A  nor  C  are  aware.  Whether  this  is  also  true 
of  me  as  an  alternating  personality,  in  comparison  with  A 
and  C,  I  cannot  say,  for  obvious  reasons,  but  I  think  I  do 
observe  more  closely  and  notice  all  little  things  more  as  a 
co-consciousness  than  when  I  am  a  personality. 

CONTENT  OF  THE  CO-CONSCIOUSNESS 

In  attempting  to  describe  by  introspection  the  difference 
between  my  mind  and  C’s  I  shall  have  to  use  some  sort  of 
metaphor,  and  so  will  say  that  there  are  two  streams  of 
thought,  one  below  the  other.  The  upper  one  is  C  and  the 
lower  one  is  B.  These  two  streams  are  not  of  the  same 
quality.  The  upper  one,  C,  is  more  opaque  —  thicker,  less 
sensitive  to  perceptions;  an  inward  flowing  stream;  brooding, 
questioning,  very  active  in  itself,  but  not  so  quick  to  take  in 
outside  impressions  as  the  lower  one,  B.  The  lower  stream, 
B,  is  clearer  —  crystal  clear  —  and  is  an  outward  flowing 
stream,  open  to  every  perception,  lighter,  not  introspective. 

Now  nearly  everything  that  happens  is  perceived  by  some 
part  of  C’s  mind  —  the  rustle  of  a  paper,  the  cracking  of  a 
stick  in  the  fire,  the  sound  of  a  bird  chirping,  the  smile  or 
frown  on  the  face  of  a  person  whom  we  meet,  the  gleam  of 
their  teeth,  etc.,  everything  that  can  be  seen  or  heard  is 
recorded  in  her  mind  whether  she  is  conscious  of  it  or  not. 
These  illustrations  are  taken  from  actual  occurrences  which 
I  distinctly  remember.  Now  into  my  stream  of  conscious¬ 
ness  most  of  these  perceptions  are  absorbed,  but  C  is  con¬ 
scious  of  only  the  more  important  ones.  For  example: 

*This  was  not  the  final  complete  C  whom  she  could  not  influence  at 
all.  See  footnote,  p.  34.  (Ed.) 


38 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 

Dr.  Prince  comes  into  the  room  and  C  rises  and  greets  him, 
shakes  hands  and  says,  “  Good  morning;  ”  she  is  conscious 
of  nothing  but  a  sense  of  relief  at  seeing  him,  and  is  thinking 
only  of  the  woes  she  has  to  tell  him;  hut  I  perceive  things 
like  this:  Dr.  Prince’s  hand  is  cold;  he  looks  tired  or  rested; 
he  is  nervous  to-day;  he  has  on  such  and  such  clothes  or 
cravat,  etc.  These  perceptions  become  my  thoughts.  C 
does  not  take  them  into  her  consciousness  at  all.  Later, 
if  she  were  asked  if  she  shook  hands  with  Dr.  Prince  she 
might  or  might  not  remember  it;  as  to  his  hand  being  cold 
and  all  the  rest  of  it,  she  would  not  have  noticed;  if  she  did 
it  would  be  an  automatic  memory;  she  had  not  thought  about 
it.  When  C’s  mind  is  concentrated  on  any  one  thing,  like 
reading  or  studying,  it  is  closed  to  every  other  perception. 
She  does  not  notice  the  sounds  in  the  house  or  out  of  doors, 
but  I,  being  co-conscious,  do.  I  hear  the  blinds  rattle,  I 
hear  the  maid  moving  about  the  house,  I  hear  the  telephone 
ring,  etc.  She  hears  none  of  these  things.  She  does  not 
know  that  she  is  tired,  and  that  she  ought  to  stop  reading, 
but  all  these  things  I  know  and  think  of.  When  she  stops 
reading  she  becomes  conscious  that  she  is  tired,  but  of  the 
sounds  in  the  house  she  knows  nothing.  I  have  read  the 
book  also,  but  these  other  things  are  added  to  my  stream 
of  conscious  thought.  So,  you  see,  I  know  all  C’s  thoughts, 
and  think  my  own  beside.  When  she  is  talking  with  any  one 
I  often  disagree  with  what  she  says.  She  does  not  think 
at  all  the  same  about  many  things.  I  think  of  replies  I  would 
make  quite  different  from  the  ones  she  makes.  Then  some¬ 
times  I  do  not  pay  very  much  attention  to  her  conversation, 
though  I  know  all  she  says,  but  go  on  with  my  own  thoughts. 
I  do  not  say  that  every  perception  is  taken  into  my  con¬ 
sciousness,  it  may  not  be.  Something  else  may,  and  evidently 
does,  perceive  things  which  escape  me. 

I  do  not  remember  everything  all  the  time.  I  say  this 
because  some  seem  to  think  the  “  subconscious  ”  is  always 
conscious  of  everything,  but  that  is  not  so  with  me.  I  forget 
sometimes,  just  as  C  does,  but  my  memory  is  better  than  hers, 
especially  when  I  am  co-conscious.  I  think  this  last  is  so 
because  when  C  is  dominant,  i.e.  present,  I  can  think 
my  own  thoughts  undisturbed.  I  am  in  a  clear,  light  place 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


39 


all  my  own.  I  do  not  have  to  think  “  I  must  do  this  or 
that,  I  must  go  here  or  there,”  as  I  must  do  when  I  am 
the  alternating  personality;  I  can  just  lie  dormant,  as  it 
were,  as  far  as  physical  activity  is  concerned,  and  think  and 
remember. 

Often  when  C  is  talking  to  some  one,  I  know  that  she  is 
misunderstood,  she  does  not  know  that  they  have  received  a 
wrong  impression,  but  I  do. 

Now  when  we  change,  and  I,  B,  am  present  as  an  al¬ 
ternating  personality,  it  seems  to  me  that  the  lower  stream 
rises  and  the  upper  one  is  submerged,  there  is  only  one 
train  of  thought.  The  two  streams  are  united  in  the  sense 
only  that  I  have  no  amnesia  for  C’s  previous  stream  of 
thought,  but,  of  course,  when  I  am  the  personality  there  is 
no  C.  I  could  no  more  think  C’s  thoughts  than  I  could 
think  any  other  person’s  thoughts.  When  the  change 
takes  place  I,  B,  have  control  of  the  motor  powers.  What 
causes  the  change  I  cannot  tell  you  —  a  sudden  shock  does 
it,  likewise  a  strong  emotion  does  it,  fatigue,  anxiety,  depres¬ 
sion,  etc.  Sometimes  C  feels  the  change  coming,  that  is,  she 
knows  from  experience  that  her  mood  of  depression  will  end 
in  changing. 

SEPARATENESS  AND  CONTINUITY  OF  CO-CONSCIOUSNESS 

As  I  retrospect  it  seems  to  me  that  the  two  streams  of 
thought  are  entirely  separate  even  when  we  are  interested 
in  the  same  thing.  My  train  of  thought  may  be,  and 
usually  is,  quite  different  from  C’s.  When  C  is  ill,  for 
instance,  she  is  thinking  about  her  headache,  and  how  hard 
life  seems  and  how  glad  she  will  be  when  it  is  over,  and  I 
am  thinking  how  tiresome  it  is  to  lie  in  bed  when  I  am 
just  aching  to  go  for  a  long  tramp  or  do  something  gay. 
We  rarely  have  the  same  opinion  about  any  book  we  are 
reading,  though  we  may  both  like  it.  C,  however,  enjoys 
some  writers  whom  I  find  very  tiresome,  Maeterlinck,  for 
example.  She  considers  him  very  inspiring  and  uplifting, 
and  I  think  he  writes  a  lot  of  nonsense  and  is  extremely 
depressing.  She  enjoys  poetry  and  I  do  not  care  for  it. 
It  happens  often  that  when  C  is  desperately  unhappy,  and 
her  train  of  thought  is  black  and  despairing,  mine  is  gay 


40 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 

and  happy.  My  tastes  and  points  of  view  are  just  the 
same  when  I  am  an  alternating  personality.  I  have  already 
given  illustrations  of  separateness  when  speaking  of  the 
content  of  my  co-conscious  life.  The  two  trains  of  thought 
are  always  going  on  except  when  I  am  the  personality. 
Then  there  is  but  one  —  my  own. 

EMOTION 

The  only  emotion  that  I  remember  to  have  experienced 
is  one  of  pleasure  and  happiness.  I  know  nothing  of  re¬ 
morse,  reproach,  and  despair.  I  know  that  C  has  these 
emotions;  I  know  how  she  feels  about  everything,  that  is 
to  say,  I  know  what  she  thinks  she  feels,  but  I  do  not  myself 
experience  them.  I  am  sometimes  disappointed  and  some¬ 
times  provoked,  but  never  really  unhappy. 

Emotion  seems  to  me  something  like  mercury.  C  is 
easily  affected  by  the  slightest  change  in  her  social  atmos¬ 
phere.  Something  happens  and  her  spirits  rise,  she  feels 
lighter,  stronger,  ambitious,  and  her  heart  seems  to  beat 
quicker;  something  else  happens  and  her  spirits  sink,  she 
feels  heavy  and  dull  and  ill  and  has  a  return  of  neurasthenic 
symptoms.  I  never  change  in  that  way.  I  am  always  the 
same,  that  is,  I  always  feel  happy,  and  that  is  a  very  fortunate 
thing,  for  I  can’t  do  what  I  want  to  half  the  time.  Trivial 
things  affect  C  as  if  they  were  great  things,  and  she  spends 
nearly  the  same  amount  of  emotion  over  the  former  as  she 
would  over  the  latter. 

RELATIONS  TO  A  AND  C 

My  relations  with  the  two  personalities  are  not  quite 
the  same.  With  A  I  do  not  feel  or  taste.  If  she  closes  her 
eyes  I  cannot  tell  whether  she  is  eating  meat  or  candy 
unless  I  know  beforehand.  With  C  it  is  different.  I  know 
when  she  is  touched  and  I  know  wTat  she  is  eating.  Should 
she  be  hurt  I  would  feel  it  but  don’t  think  it  would  cause 
me  pain.  It  is  the  same  with  her  emotions;  I  know  what 
they  are  from  her  thoughts,  but  she  experiences  them. 
When  she  walks  my  sensation  is  of  being  carried,  though 
I  see  and  hear  and  know  everything  and  feel  the  ground 
under  her  feet.  As  an  alternating  personality  I  have  no 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


41 


pain.  I  can  distinguish  between  touch  and  pain,  but  I  do 
not  suffer  from  the  latter.  The  only  difference  is  that  pain 
is  unpleasant.  With  A  I  do  not  feel  any  pain  at  all,  not 
even  when  she  has  a  headache.*  Even  as  the  personality 
(B)  I  feel  no  pain,  that  is,  what  A  and  C  think  of  as  pain. 
I  have  nothing  but  an  unpleasant  sensation.  When  I  am 
tested  by  pin  pricks  or  pinching  I  know  it  is  a  prick 
or  a  pinch  and  not  a  touch,  but  it  does  not  hurt.  I  do  not 
know  whether  this  would  be  true  for  severe  tests  or  not,  but 
I  do  not  feel  pain  at  the  dentist’s,  though  A  and  C  suffer 
intensely. 

ABILITY  TO  VOLUNTARILY  INFLUENCE  THE  PERSONAL 
CONSCIOUSNESS 

Voluntarily  I  can  often,  not  always,  make  both  C  and 
A  do  the  thing  I  wish  to  do  or  go  to  the  place  I  wish  to  go. 
I  do  this  by  a  process  of  willing.  I  fix  my  mind  on  C’s 
mind  and  I  say  to  myself,  or  rather  to  C,  “  you  must  go  out 
to  walk,  it  makes  no  difference  whether  you  want  to  or  not, 
you  must;  your  legs  feel  all  twitchy,  you  can’t  keep  still,”  etc., 
and  then  she  begins  to  feel  nervous;  she  gets  what  she  calls 
the  “  merry  pranks  ”  in  her  legs  and  goes  to  walk  to  get  them 
straightened  out.  In  the  same  way  I  make  her  go  to  see 
the  people  I  like  best  when  she  is  out  paying  visits.  I  think 
of  the  persons  I  wish  to  see,  and  how  much  I  wish  to  see 
them,  and  C  “  changes  her  mind  ”  and  goes  there.  She 
sometimes  suspects,  now  that  she  knows  more  about  me, 
that  I  am  influencing  her  and  resists  the  impulse  she  feels. 
Then  we  have  a  struggle  in  which  she  sometimes  wins. 
With  A  I  always  came  out  best,  but  C  is  stronger.  The 
greatest  conflict  of  our  wills  comes  when  she  tries  to  go  to 
the  cemetery.  She  feels  it  her  duty  to  visit  that  place,  and 
over  and  over  again  has  tried  to  do  so  but  I  will  not  go  there. 
She  has  not  been  there  for  more  than  a  year.  I  set  my  will 
and  she  sets  hers,  but  I  always  win.  I  hold  her,  by  my 
will,  so  that  she  can’t  walk  in  that  direction.  [A’s 
account  of  this  incident  is  given  in  Part  I  of  this  article, 
page  19.]  This  strong  willing  on  my  part  produces  a 

*These  differences  in  the  perceptions  have  been  the  subject  of  experi¬ 
mentation.  The  results  will  be  published  in  the  full  account.  (Ed.) 


42 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


feeling  of  exhaustion  in  C;  she  feels  very  tired,  and  that  it  is 
really  no  matter  anyway,  and  finally  gives  up  her  intention 
and  turns  back;  she  feels  as  if  she  tvere  being  pulled  in  two 
different  ways.  Sometimes  it  is  easy  to  do  this  and  some¬ 
times  not.  It  depends  a  good  deal  on  the  state  of  her 
health  and  the  state  of  her  mind. 

Many  times  I  influence  her  when  she  does  not  suspect 
it,  in  making  her  read  the  book  I  wish  to  read  or  in  making 
her  go  to  walk.  She  considers  herself  changeable  and  ner¬ 
vous  and  wishes  she  knew  her  own  mind  five  minutes  at 
a  time.  For  instance:  One  day  it  was  raining  and  she  did 
not  want  to  go  out,  but  I  felt  that  I  could  not  stay  in  the 
house  another  minute.  So  I  willed  that  she  should  go  to 
walk  and  she  changed  her  clothes  and  went  out.  She 
thought,  “  what  nonsense  this  is  to  go  out  in  this  rain.  I 
wish  I  knew  wThat  I  wanted  to  do  five  minutes  at  a  time.” 
She  would  think,  “  I  guess  I  will  go  to  walk,”  and  then  she 
would  think,  “  No,  I  don’t  want  to  go  out  in  all  this  rain,” 
then  in  a  few  minutes,  “  I  believe  I  will  go  to  walk,”  etc., 
and  finally  she  went,  more  for  peace  of  mind  than  anything 
else. 

Over  the  normal  C  who  now  exists  I  have  no  power  to 
influence  her  voluntarily  or  involuntarily,  directly  or  in¬ 
directly,  so  far  as  I  know.  There  are  co-conscious  influences 
that  are  received  from  other  parts  of  her  mind,  but  I  am  not 
writing  of  these  in  this  account.* 

I  have  made  it  impossible  for  A  to  telephone  Dr.  Prince. 
A  was  always  telephoning  him,  and  I  thought  it  was  very 
foolish  to  do  so,  particularly  as  it  usually  resulted  in  sup¬ 
pressing  me  as  a  personality.  So  when  A  started  toward  the 
telephone  I  held  her,  by  my  will;  she  could  not  go  to  the 
telephone  for  the  purpose  of  speaking  to  Dr.  Prince.  She 
did  not  know  that  I  did  it.  It  seemed  to  her  that  while  she 
wished  to  speak  to  him  she  had  better  not  bother  him 
after  all,  and  then  she  would  be  so  blue  and  depressed  that 
I  would  “  come.” 

Sometimes  after  hypnosis  the  first  unstable  C  to  whom 
I  am  referring  could  remember,  in  a  way,  some  of  my  acts.f 

“^Investigation  has  shown  other  co-conscious  phenomena  and  influence 
distinct  from  those  of  the  B  complex.  An  account  of  this  is  reserved.  (Ed.) 

fThese  memories  were  brought  back  by  suggestion.  (Ed.) 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


43 


The  memories  were  in  the  form  of  visual  pictures,  and  it  al¬ 
ways  seemed  to  me  that  she  remembered  only  the  things  that 
Dr.  Prince  knew  about  himself.  I,  in  the  alternating  state, 
was  thinking  of  this  one  night  after  I  had  gone  to  bed  and 
wondered  whether,  if  I  should  hide  A’s  watch  and  rings,  Dr. 
Prince  could  make  C  remember  it — not  knowing  it  himself.  I 
felt  too  lazy,  however,  to  get  up  and  hide  them,  but  in  the 
morning  they  were  gone.  I  knew  where  they  were,  for  I  re¬ 
membered  she  got  up  in  her  sleep  and  hid  them  in  a  cuff  box 
where  they  were  found  by  her  sister.  Then  another  night 
whenlwas  co-cons  ciousyl  wondered  ifl  could  by  willing  make 
A  get  up  in  her  sleep  and  do  the  same  thing.  So  I  willed  that 
she  should  get  up  in  her  sleep  and  hide  her  watch  and  rings 
that  night.  I  did  not  designate  any  place.  She  did  it 
or  at  least  in  the  morning  they  were  gone  and  could  not  be 
found  for  some  time,  until  Dr.  Prince  discovered  that  they 
had  been  hidden  in  her  sleep  under  some  cushions  on  the 
landing  of  the  stairs.* 

When  A  is  present  I  can  “  come  ”  voluntarily  by 
willing,  i.e.,  blot  A  out  and  then  I  “  come.”  When  C  is 
present  it  is  more  difficult,  but  I  can  sometimes  do  it,  i.e., 
when  she  is  excited  or  depressed  or  upset  in  any  way,  physi¬ 
cally  or  mentally.  I  can  always  do  it  with  A  except  when  she 
has  a  bad  headache.  This  seems  paradoxical,  because  with 
this  exception  when  she  is  in  poor  health  I  can  come  more 
easily.  Usually  for  a  few  days  after  A  had  had  suggestion 
from  Dr.  Prince  I  did  not  “  come.”  I  don’t  know  whether 
I  could  not  or  did  not  feel  like  trying.  By  willing  I  mean 
I  would  say  to  A  —  “  Get  away,”  “  Go  away,”  “  Get  out  of 
the  way,”  “  Let  me  come,”  “  I  will  come,”  and  then  A 
disappeared.  She  was  gone  and  I  was  there.  It  was 
almost  instantaneous.  With  C  I  had  to  make  a  different 
effort.  I  had  to  think  more  about  it  when  I  wanted  to 
come;  that  I  must  be  the  personality  because  of  the  things 
I  wanted  to  do;  that  I  must  come;  that  I  would  come.  It 
sometimes  took  a  minute  or  two  to  get  rid  of  C.  Her 
thoughts  stopped.  I  don’t  know  what  became  of  them. 
1  he  times,  however,  when  I  came  by  willing  were  com¬ 
paratively  few  compared  with  the  times  when  I  came 

*  I  his  was  done  through  hypnosis.  The  articles  were  found  as  re¬ 
membered  in  hypnosis.  (Ed.) 


44 


My  Li  fe  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


spontaneously,  but  there  were  many  times.  Sometimes  the 
wish  to  change  would  blot  out  A  without  actual  willing. 
Example:  There  was  a  dinner  party  to  which  I  was  very 
anxious  to  go,  and  while  A  was  dressing  she  decided  she 
would  not  go  and  started  to  cross  the  room  to  take  up  the 
telephone  to  say  she  would  not  be  there,  and  I  wanted 
to  go  so  much  that  she  lost  herself  before  she  reached  the 
telephone.  My  thoughts  were,  “  I  want  to  go,”  “  You  must 
go,”  but  not,  “  I  must  come,”  etc. 

INVOLUNTARILY  INFLUENCING  THE  PERSONAL 
CONSCIOUSNESS 

Ordinarily  the  two  streams  of  thought  run  on  side 
by  side  without  interfering  with  each  other.  C  may  be 
reading  or  studying  something  that  interests  us  both,  and 
our  minds  are  occupied  in  the  same  way.  I  am  contented 
and  all  goes  well.  At  other  times  C  may  be  reading  and  I 
may  not  be  interested.  I  may  not  like  the  book  or  may 
want  to  do  something  else.  I  feel  restless  and  dissatisfied, 
and  soon  C  begins  to  feel  the  same.  She  can’t  fix  her  mind 
on  what  she  is  reading,  puts  down  the  book,  goes  to  the 
piano  but  can’t  play,  starts  a  letter  but  does  not  finish  it, 
etc.  This  is  what  I  call  an  involuntary  influence.  In  this 
case  I  do  not  have  the  power  to  “  come  ”  or  to  make  C  do 
the  thing  I  want  to  do,  in  fact,  perhaps  I  do  not  know 
what  I  want  to  do  myself,  but  my  state  of  mind  makes  her 
nervous  and  upset.  As  an  example  of  involuntary  influence 
I  will  take  the  following  incident,  as  it  is  fresh  in  my  mem¬ 
ory.  A  few  days  ago  Dr.  Putnam  kindly  allowed  C  to  see 
a  patient  of  his  who  is  suffering  from  a  form  of  hysteria. 
She  could  not  put  her  feet  down  flat  on  the  floor,  but  turned 
her  toes  up  and  tried  to  walk  on  her  heels  and  the  sides  of 
her  feet,  and  as  she  walked  she  trembled  all  over  and  breathed 
irregularly.*  I  was  much  interested  in  the  matter,  and  after 
we  got  home  kept  wondering  how  the  girl  managed  to  walk 
that  way  —  it  seemed  so  difficult.  There  was  in  my  mind 
a  picture  of  the  girl  with  her  toes  turned  up,  trembling  and 
breathing  hard;  I  was  imagining  how  it  would  seem  to  walk 
that  way  and  to  tremble  all  over,  etc.  I  was  not  paying 

*This  was  a  case  of  hysterical  astasia-abasia  of  a  peculiar  type.  (Ed.) 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


45 


any  attention  to  C’s  train  of  thought,  being  absorbed  in 
my  own,  and  did  not  consider  at  all  how  my  thoughts 
might  affect  her  until  I  became  aware  that  she  was  trembling 
from  head  to  foot,  that  her  toes  were  all  curled  up,  and  that 
she  could  hardly  keep  her  feet  flat  on  the  floor.  She  was  in 
great  distress  of  mind,  as  she  thought  her  condition  was 
caused  by  her  extreme  suggestibility,  and  that  she  must 
be  very  ill  to  be  so  easily  affected.  She  was  so  much  dis¬ 
turbed  that  she  telephoned  Dr.  Prince,  asking  him  to  help  her 
to  steady  herself.  I  did  not  intend  to  produce  such  an  eff  ect. 
It  would  seem  plain  that  my  train  of  thought  influenced  her. 

At  another  time  C  was  asked  to  go  for  a  long  automobile 
ride  and  dine  in  the  country,  coming  home  in  the  evening. 
I  was  very  anxious  to  go,  but  I  had  promised  Dr.  Prince  not 
to  interfere  with  C.  I  did  not  try  to  “  come,”  but  I  could  not 
help  wanting  to  go,  and  I  thought  to  myself,  “  O!  I  wish 
she  would  go.”  C  declined  at  first,  as  I  knew  she  would, 
but  as  my  longing  increased  she  began  to  waver,  hesitated, 
and  finally  said  she  would  go.  She  felt  that  she  ought  not 
to  go,  that  it  was  better  not  to  accept  such  invitations,  and 
hardly  knew  why  she  should  have  changed  her  mind. 
She  felt  provoked  with  herself  about  it,  but  as  she  changed 
to  me  as  an  alternating  personality  soon  after  we  started, 
it  was  all  right. 

C  once  had  a  visual  hallucination  of  Dr.  Prince,  because 
I  was  thinking  of  him.  She  was  thinking  of  entirely  different 
matters,  but  I  was  thinking  that  if  it  were  not  for  Dr.  Prince 
I  might,  perhaps,  stay  all  the  time,  and  was  wondering  why 
it  was  that  I  did  not  go  away  somewhere;  why  it  was  that  I 
felt  bound  to  keep  C’s  appointments  with  him,  etc.  As 
I  was  thinking  all  this  C  suddenly  saw  Dr.  Prince  standing 
before  her.  He  was  so  real  that  she  spoke  his  name,  saying, 
“Why,  Dr.  Prince!”  She  was  not  asleep,  but  was  lying 
in  bed  looking  at  the  fire  when  she  had  this  hallucination. 
She  knew  it  was  a  vision,  but  it  was  very  distinct. 

I  one  day  wrote  something  in  the  diary,  which  has  been 
kept  by  all  of  us,  which  A  did  not  understand,  and  she  took 
the  book  to  Dr.  Prince.  I  did  not  care  to  have  him  read 
what  I  wrote  in  my  diary,  and  so  that  night  I  wrote  a  note  to 
A,  saying  that  I  was  going  to  put  the  diary  where  she  could 


46 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


not  find  it  and  that  she  should  never  see  it  again.  I  did  not, 
however,  do  so,  but  left  it  in  the  drawer  where  it  was  always 
kept.  A  found  this  note  from  me  in  the  morning  and  went 
at  once  to  see  if  the  diary  was  gone.  It  was  right  there,  but 
she  could  not  see  it;  she  took  it  in  her  hand  several  times  in 
searching  through  the  drawer  but  could  not  see  it  and  did  not 
do  so  for  a  week  or  more.  When  she  did  see  it  she  could  not 
understand  how  it  came  to  be  there  and  thought  I  must  have 
“  come  ”  in  the  night  and  put  it  back.  She  wrote  it  so  in  the 
diary  at  the  time.  A  writes,  Sept.  19,  1907:  “  It  is  the 

strangest  thing  about  this  diary.  I  have  not  been  able 
to  find  it  for  a  week  or  more  and  I  know  it  was  not  in  that 
drawer  last  night,  but  I  have  been  myself  all  day  and  how 
could  B  have  put  it  back  again  ?  I  cannot  understand  it 
at  all  —  perhaps  she  came  in  the  night.”  A  had  seen  Dr. 
Prince  that  day  and  I  suppose  that  is  why  she  could  see  the 
diary  when  she  came  home. 

DREAMS 

Though  C  does  not  remember  her  dreams  when  she  is 
awake  she  feels  their  influence,  especially  if  it  is  a  depressing 
one.  She  dreamed  a  few  nights  ago  of  a  very  distressing 
event  which  really  occurred  several  years  ago,  and  which 
gave  her  an  intense  emotional  shock.  In  the  dream  she  lived 
over  again  all  the  emotion  she  experienced  at  the  time,  all 
the  feeling  of  horror,  sorrow,  fear,  and  self-reproach;  also 
the  physical  sensation  of  nausea  and  headache  which  followed 
the  shock.  When  she  woke  she  had  no  remembrance  of 
her  dream,  but  she  felt  the  depression,  the  headache,  and 
the  nausea. 

Last  night  she  had  a  dream  which  affected  her  in  the 
same  way.  She  dreamed  she  was  standing  on  the  top  of  a 
very  high  mountain  where  she  could  see  all  the  country 
for  miles  around.  She  was  alone  and  the  wind  was  blowing 
her  hair  and  dress.  It  was  at  sunset,  and  the  sky  was  filled 
with  clouds  which  took  various  shapes  and  were  colored  by 
the  setting  sun.  The  upper  part  of  the  sky  was  filled  with 
pictures  which  were  framed  in  small  white  clouds  touched 
with  gold  on  the  edges  where  they  curled  over.  Some  were 
landscapes,  some  were  portraits.  One  portrait  was  of  her 


My  Life  as  a  Dissociated  Personality 


47 


mother,  very,  very  beautiful  —  and  all  were  in  colors.  Be¬ 
low  these  pictures  were  flowers  of  every  kind  and  description 
—  rose  gardens,  old-fashioned  gardens,  wreaths,  single 
flowers —  a  perfect  mass  of  color.  Above  all  this  there  was 
one  cloud  which  had  no  color  and  no  particular  shape,  but 
which  attracted  her  attention  more  than  the  rest;  she  was 
fascinated  by  it  and  watched  it.  1  he  sun  went  down  and 
all  the  pictures  vanished,  but  this  one  cloud  remained  and 

took  the  shape  of  a  man  —  Mr. -  (her  husband).  She 

reached  her  hands  to  him  and  said,  “  Oh,  speak  to  me,” 
but  he  looked  at  her  very  sorrowfully  and  turned  away. 
Then  she  had  that  same  feeling  of  nausea,  headache,  and 
weariness,  and  covered  her  eyes.  When  she  looked  again 
it  was  not  her  husband,  but  Dr.  Prince,  and  she  called  to 
him  and  said,  “  Dr.  Prince,  if  you  do  not  speak  to  me  I  shall 
throw  myself  down  the  mountain,”  and  Dr.  Prince  stretched 
out  his  hand  and  looked  very  funny,  and  he  said:  “  If  all  the 
world  were  apple  pie  and  all  the  sea  were  ink,  what  would 
we  do  for  cocktails.”  And  C  said,  “  Dr.  Prince,  you  are 
perfectly  horrid.”  Then  she  woke  up,  but  she  felt  ill,  just  as 
she  did  in  the  dream,  and  when  she  saw  Dr.  Prince  that  morn¬ 
ing  she  told  him  she  felt  very  ill.  Now  all  that  C*  remembers 
of  that  dream  is  of  standing  on  the  mountain  with  the  wind 
blowing  her  hair  and  dress,  and  of  seeing  her  husband  and 
Dr.  Prince.  She  does  not  remember  anything  else.  I 
was  awake  when  she  dreamed  this  dream,  for  I  know  what 
was  going  on  in  the  house  and  C  does  not.  She  did  not  hear 
the  maid  go  downstairs  or  any  of  the  sounds  in  the  house. 
Her  dreams  are  usually  depressing  though  occasionally 
they  are  amusing.  C  sometimes  remembers  the  main 
features  of  her  dreams  but  none  of  the  details. f 

*This  is  correct.  (C.) 

fC  has  been  examined  on  numerous  occasions  for  memory  of  dreams, 
and  it  has  been  found  that  she  rarely  remembers  them,  though  they  are 
recovered  in  hypnosis.  The  persistence  of  headache,  nausea,  and  de¬ 
pression  following  a  dream  has  been  frequently  noted  and  removed  by  a 
simple  suggestion.  (Ed.) 


I 


'  ! 


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